It is inevitable that not every day is going to be a breeze. In fact, quite the contrary: a good day for me can be seen as a miracle, relative to all those years of battling mental ill-health. So why do I feel ashamed to write about the fact that today has been harder for me? Why do I feel the need to portray myself as this recovered beacon of hope, strength and wellness to the world?
I admit there is some internal conflict around this. I recognise the parts of me that feel obliged to take on the role of “perfection”. And I recognise the parts of me – the stronger and healthier parts of me – that don’t. According to the latter, and ultimately within my core, the truth is that I don’t want to wear a façade anymore. This applies especially in contexts where to be truthful and authentic is to be brave and real – a context such as a personal blog.
And so the mask will not go on. I am me and there is no one else I need to become. My feelings are valid and acceptable and transient and they are mine and they are real.
A good day will remain a good day and I will write about it. A more challenging day can be more challenging and I can write about this too. I don’t have to censor myself to the world, especially in a forum where the truth is so valued and validated. I personally appreciate and admire the honesty of those around me, regardless of what that entails, and I hope this can be reciprocated and apply to me as well.
So what’s going on?
There isn’t much to say apart from the fact I don’t feel so great today. I think perhaps I am lonely again, and loneliness is the emotion I struggle with the most. I feel needy, and I guess this makes sense after seeing H and S yesterday. My mood and motivation are a little lower, my self-destructive urges slightly higher. I’m tired after a long week, and haven’t been sleeping too well, so my vulnerability factors are elevated. At the same time, I’m not acting on or giving into them – which means I am continuing to be skilful and am doing well. And I recognise that feelings come in waves, and that I can surf these ones out effectively.
I am still doing well, AND I am also having a difficult moment. The two can exist simultaneously. It’s just another dialectic.
I think this evening would be a perfect opportunity to put some of those self-soothing skills into practice…