I cannot believe how dark things got for me just a few months ago. It was really not long ago that I was feeling overwhelmingly suicidal because I just could not see an alternative way out for myself from my pain. I’ve been reading back to a few months ago on my old (private) blog, and it scares me to remember myself like that. It scares me that I could go back to that.
However… whilst I am petrified of going back to that suffocating pain I was constantly in, I am also fucking terrified of moving on from it for good. Due to an increased (though not totally persistent) sense of day-to-day disconnection over the last few months, I feel like I’ve forgotten how or lost the ability to connect to people in the way I used to. Sure I’ve connected on a range of levels at times, but recently I just haven’t had that deep FELT connection with many people; the kind that is so strong it HURTS – and the lack of that terrifies me.
I wonder if the part of me which longs so desperately for that kind of connection is the part of me that has been driven to such dark places and pits of despair in the past – because maybe the only way I have known to connect on such a deep level is through that pain and distress, and what they bring with it.
Whether it’s to myself or to others, the pain is an avenue for connection: Regarding myself, I feel alive through it, and there is a passion and direction in it that I feel I am currently lacking. Regarding others, it is a means to being consoled and held emotionally, and even the yearning and the waiting for that brings with it a connection – because I become so dependent, so needy, and so able to feel my self and my emotions in relation to the other person so acutely. When I’m in touch with the pain at least I’m in touch with myself and my current reality. Like this I’m just floaty, directionless and conflicted.
Even when I’ve been low, it hasn’t been with that same mental agony I am used to. I think I’m scared that if I leave the pain behind for good I won’t be able to connect again. Maybe I need to redefine my perception of a connection, I don’t know. Maybe I’m euphorically recalling the extent to which I remember connecting in the past because really, in this moment, I’m fucking lonely. I’m just feeling really conflicted at the minute. It’s kind of freaking me out.
Even though I am okay, I feel uncomfortably empty and apathetic within it. I miss the passion and aliveness within the pain. Right now I suppose I feel like…. there’s really nothing to me. Like “What now?”. There’s something missing from my core.
It’s just that my whole life I’ve been trying to find this connection with someone; this bond and an intimacy I’ve never had and always craved. It’s been my life’s mission in ways, and I’ve gone to huge and very destructive lengths to try and obtain it. But recently I’ve been left with this strange nothingness. I feel adrift from myself. I don’t know who I am or where to go. I know I’m over-thinking. It just feels fucking weird.