I went to the doctor about my symptoms this morning (outlined here). She examined me and couldn’t seem to find anything wrong. She reckons that the physical pains and discomfort I’m experiencing are related to my emotions, specifically anxiety, and that they don’t appear to have a clear underlying medical cause.
I feel disappointed. I wanted there to be a strictly endogenous, not psychological, and therefore “tangible” reason for the flare-ups I’ve had recently – as though a label or a diagnosis from a medical professional would justify my pain.
I’ve had this experience many times before, including, and especially, regarding my mental health as well. I was always looking for some kind of physical explanation to explain my fatigue, my mood swings, my anxiety, my physical aches and pains. Receiving the diagnosis of BPD was such a relief (amongst other things) for some reasons, because at least I had a name that explained what I was struggling with – which meant I wasn’t alone with it in the world. However, I still continued to look for medical explanations to further justify my experiences. I thought that I would be taken more seriously by friends, family, society and medical professionals if I were to have a physical condition responsible for a variety of my struggles. I didn’t care if it was thyroid-related, anaemia, a blood disorder, or something even worse. I admit that there was a time I prayed for something as horrific as cancer. Anything but *just* a psychiatric infliction! I wanted to be taken seriously, and for people to rush to my side with the desperation and urgency I was experiencing so intensely inside. I also thought that if what was “wrong” with me had a strictly medical, not psychological cause, then I would be more likely to find hope, and a cure.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I just thought I would share some of my experiences. It’s hard to write specifically about what I’m referring to. There is a lot of shame and embarrassment surrounding it. Some of my symptoms are very personal and intimate, and I’m upset that there is little I can do about them in the way of medical management. I have another appointment with the doctor next week to further explore these issues.
I wish I could have more freedom from the pain I’m referring to, both emotionally and physically, and for them to stop perpetuating one another in such a viscous and aggravating cycle!