I’m really feeling a sense of loss today. Things seem to all be hitting at once, with changes and reminders of specific losses lingering all around me. The losses themselves take many forms – they aren’t necessarily just related to death, but also to the ending of certain relationships or the changing dynamics within them, as well as simply in how I am feeling internally at the moment.
- All of the crap with L described here, and the ending of that “relationship”.
- I saw my auntie today who is struggling immensely with the loss of my cousin, her daughter, who tragically committed suicide about 4 months ago. I still can’t get my head around what happened and my process around it, it still feels so surreal. It breaks my heart to see my aunt in such a state, I cannot even begin to imagine what she is going through.
- On Sunday we have the Stone Setting for my paternal Grandpa (a Jewish ceremony, similar in format to a funeral in ways, which takes place a year after somebody has died). I miss him, and the time marker exaggerates that for me.
- A member of staff from one of my treatment centres, who then became my sponsor, has been advised by her supervisor that our relationship cannot progress to the official “friends” stage. This is despite me thinking we have been friends for quite some time. When she told me a wave of panic hit me as I thought she was saying that we wouldn’t be able to stay in contact at all. Luckily this is not the case; she clarified to me that she can still be a “mentor” of sorts. (So I guess this isn’t a loss, just an “almost” loss, phew!)
- Today is the wedding anniversary of one of my best friends’ Mother and Stepfather. They were married for under a year before her Mother lost her battle with cancer. I have been thinking about my friend and her family and feeling immensely sad for them all on this commemorative day.
- My daily outreach calls with my therapist end today. This may not sound like a “real” loss but for someone like me with BPD, it is huge. I have become heavily reliant on her for this daily support and am sad that I am no longer required to check in with her each day like I had been previously.
- My old flat-mate, soul-sister and best friend has moved back to Kenya for the summer (3 months) and I miss her immensely.
- My Mum has gone away on holiday so I have moved into my Dad’s house for the week. For some reason I feel very unsettled about it, perhaps because I thrive on structure and familiarity and tend to do better at my Mum’s house than at my Dad’s in general, and because I have had quite a messy week emotionally and need one place to ground myself, and where most of my stuff is located.
- I have felt hurt, confused and upset by the lack of contact and responses from my friends in Boston (who I was in treatment with). I try so desperately to maintain meaningful relationships in my life, but feel that with most of them it has become one-sided and pathetic. It is becoming harder and harder to keep some sort of connection with them, and I am noticing these fading relationships bring up a whole host of challenging emotions for me.
- This week overall I have been feeling perpetually lonely. I am missing being taken care of by therapeutic professionals, especially my treatment team in Boston who I am still detaching from emotionally. I spoke to some CRCs (community resident councillors) there yesterday on the phone and it really made me crave their company and support again. One of my favourite CRCs is leaving to have a baby and so yesterday was the last time I will ever be able to speak to her.
- I also haven’t heard from the Clinical Director of the unit who promised me she would see me in London when she came to visit on a training course. I am extremely hurt by this rejection and am equally confused, sad and angry. She has been to London twice (out of four total trips this year) since making that commitment to me, and so it doesn’t look like she’s going to carry it through.
Okay, the above writing has seemed to have morphed into more of a lengthy update with multiple tangents, as opposed to brief bulleted losses!
Here’s to hoping that tomorrow is a better day.