My mood swings from pole to pole multiple times a day. It does so seemingly unpredictably and alarmingly fast, and this chaotic (lack of a) pattern can feel terrifying in itself.
For some hours, days, or even weeks, the mood swings are far less pronounced, and I feel more mentally stable overall. Recently however – I think since Thursday last week – I’ve felt so much more volatile and erratic internally.
I wish that I could “blame” PMS, like I described in this post here, but it’s not the right timing and so I have to accept that actually maybe I’m simply hurting right now, no justification needed.
I’m not even sure quite what’s going on for me – just that one moment I feel so anxious or paranoid I can feel my heartbeat all over my body, the next I’m dissociated, apathetic and low to a point of hopelessness and suicidal ideation, and the next I’m connected, happy and have found a sense of purpose again. There is little way I even could know with the whole process being so sporadic and changeable.
This morning I was despairing from the get-go, and a few hours later I was actually “very okay” and in little distress at all. People from treatment ask me how I am doing and my answer varies within the space of a few hours; I tell one friend I’m struggling immensely and that things are going downhill, and I tell another that I’m doing so much better than I have done in years. And yet I am being honest in both instances, expressing my experiences and my truth for what they are.
It is hard for me to remember how I can be in one specific state, when I am so gripped by another within a moment. Whatever I am feeling at one point in time can all too easily take over – nothing else exists and nothing else matters – “I feel therefore I am”.
Not always the most effective internalisation… But I feel so frikkin’ Borderline right now!
I guess it’s a paradox; a dialectic if you will. These two seemingly opposing truths can coexist and both be true, despite the apparent contradiction – I may be doing well generally, working my recovery hard and using many new skills to help me cope… AND at the same time, I am experiencing my current emotional world as pretty bloody challenging too.