“Therapy Interfering” Behaviours

Something old but relevant from my personal diary:

“No matter how shitty I may be feeling prior to contacting my therapist, I always and inevitably end up feeling worse post making contact. She never replies in the way I feel I need her to; I end up feeling resentful, hurt, and even more needy. I feel an influx of related emotions regardless of her responses too; shame for being so clingy, guilt for burdening her, and anger, because she has power over me, whilst I am remain weak and pathetic – a mere limpet. 

Anything involving or triggering my attachment-related struggles causes me pain. In reaching out for support from my therapist I am meant to be finding ways to relieve at least some of my suffering. Instead, I perpetuate it, because our interactions trigger my core issues of attachment and rejection, over and over again.

I am going to make a pact with myself; a challenge if you will. From now on I will NOT contact her for ANY reason whatsoever. I won’t contact her until she explicitly brings up this lack of contact out of concern. I will turn one therapy interfering behaviour – of seeking reassurance and contacting her for the wrong reasons – into another therapy interfering behaviour – of refusing to let myself contact her irregardless of the circumstances I find myself in.”

I need to be careful not to fall into old habits. 

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11 thoughts on ““Therapy Interfering” Behaviours

    • It’s not that…. It’s that she won’t enable my reassurance-seeking behaviours because she knows it won’t help me long-term. Momentarily it hurts like a bitch even though long-term it will probably help me. All I want is for her to nurture and reassure me when I’m struggling and she knows if she does that it’s perpetuating my dependency on her. So she doesn’t. She remains quite detached and impersonal. I find it challenging and feel rejected and needy, etcetera. Hope that’s clarifies it!

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  1. I then want for her to have to “chase after me” instead of me after her… Basically playing hard to get and attempting to reverse the roles so that SHE contacts ME. Testing her, ultimately. Which usually backfires in itself but hey, I have BPD. So typical!

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  2. I’ve done this before- refused to let myself contact somebody for the very same, knowing that by doing so it causes so much more upset & pain. An horrendous cycle to be stuck in. It’s helped me let go emotionally of those in my past – but I know it’ll be slightly different as it’s your current therapist. You’re working so hard.

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