Recently I have been struggling a lot with the return of low mood, high anxiety and intrusive thoughts and urges. Just last night I was crying my eyes out, doubled over in (emotional) pain, alone on the floor of the hallway; trying to find the strength to simply carry on existing.
This morning however, as I got up, my first thought was “Wow, that was easier than expected“, because whilst recently getting out of bed early (or at all) has been such a struggle for me, today it was not! I showered and dressed and got ready to go to work (a one-off morning school run) with a lightness and ease I had not felt in days. I did not feel like I was living in slow-motion trying to catch up with the world. I did not experience the usual internal dialogue regarding my inner turmoil or the feeling of dread at having to face yet another day. I did not feel the need to go through the usual Pros and Cons of showing up for life vs. avoiding reality.
Not turning up didn’t even cross my mind. I felt like I could function and do life . I felt like a “human” again.
In fact, my only thoughts at the time were ones of surprise, relief (and doubt and guilt chucked in there), for the fact I was finally able to experience a sense of peace within myself again. After many days of being convinced I would never feel okay again, the moment had arrived.
Thoughts like, “When is the pain going to return?“, “Is the universe mocking me?” and “Can I trust this?” seeped in to my consciousness.
Of course the stark contrast between such different states of mind is going to be confusing, hard to trust, and thus scary in itself. But I was acutely aware of where these thoughts – and fears – were trying to take me, and unwilling to give in to them and risk sabotaging the moment. I felt motivated and energised enough to put my Mindfulness skills into practice instead; letting myself experience feeling A-Okay (shock, horror!) for what it was, without narrative or judgement.
The fact is, I know realistically that these moments will not last because I know how my disorder manifests. I still want to acknowledge them however – because they are what provide even the tiniest fraction of hope that things can be okay again when it feels impossible to believe they ever could be.
Welcome to Borderline Personality Disorder.
Thank goodness for those moments of peace amidst the storm.