I don’t think I’m cut out for this existence. There are so many things I suck at, all because I’m too sensitive. I feel too much and it impacts every aspect of my life; even the menial day to day decisions and activities I attempt.
Everything feels so fake and unnatural and I don’t know where to place myself – I don’t know who I am. I’m not like other people, really. I feel older than my years in many ways and younger in many others. I’m half here but half not, because I don’t know how I quite can be, fully. Something is always missing. Something is always Not Quite Right.
The word ‘Borderline‘ feels quite fitting here.
Sometimes I think life on planet Earth is just too complicated for someone as complicated as me. If my brain was more simple I could deal with complexity in my external world: “Ignorance is bliss”, and all that. If the world was more straightforward perhaps I could manage my inner chaos more easily than I currently do. I’m too aware of my pain and I’m too aware of the world. I can feel things so intensely.
Put together the way I feel, the way I think, and the way I experience life and relationships…. add that to the reality of the world I inhabit and the 21st century society I live in… and everything is just too much. I just don’t think the two are compatible.
I’m not even sad, just baffled. Possibly scared. Maybe slightly dissociated, or perhaps delirious with jet lag and tiredness. Anyway, I’ve got these lyrics playing over and over in my head – typical:
“But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here.”
– Creep, Radiohead