I have spent the entire day feeling riddled with such physical anxiety that I want to scream or cry.
Anxiety is the most absolutely debilitating, terrifying and frustrating thing ever. The way it manifests physically makes me feel so unable to control it that I reach my skills breakdown point and basically let it take over me.
After trying all day long to manage it I really don’t know what else I can do but give in to it. Perhaps this is where Radical Acceptance comes in but I feel so resistant and unwilling: I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY, let alone accept that I am indeed feeling this way.
I have done TIPP including stair-running in the hotel, ice-diving (well, cold water), and paced breathing. I have tried MOCE and body-scanning but the interoception made it even more intense. I have listened to Headspace and other meditations and I have distracted using both ACCEPTS and IMPROVE. I have done Pros and Cons and fact-checking and all the other cognitively based skills but they haven’t even touched the sides; whilst I know that “it is not effective to go with the anxiety“, it does not feel like a choice and the physical discomfort just will not budge.
It is not that I am ‘going with the anxiety’, so much as it feels that the anxiety is going with me. I do not remember the last time I felt so chronically anxious for so long without a single moment of relief. And I am getting so incredibly annoyed with myself, reality the skills and my therapy, because I feel like nothing is working right now and it is all hopeless and dire...
… But even in saying the above, I have to be ‘effective‘, and censor or block the judgements and worry thoughts and “fuck them off to the fuck-it factory“, or challenge them with counteracting statements. Every single moment is a moment I have to think about and no matter how hard I am trying there is always something more I could be doing better.
I have to fight so hard to not screw myself or my life up in ways neurotypicals take for granted. I can’t just live for a moment without being ruled by some kind of dysfunction and it can become really fucking exhausting.
I know this is an ironically catastrophic and all-or-nothing (essentially ineffective) post, but I need to vent about the shittiness and struggle for what it is – and today, well, it has been pretty shitty.