Riddled With Anxiety

I have spent the entire day feeling riddled with such physical anxiety that I want to scream or cry. 

Anxiety is the most absolutely debilitating, terrifying and frustrating thing ever. The way it manifests physically makes me feel so unable to control it that I reach my skills breakdown point and basically let it take over me. 

After trying all day long to manage it I really don’t know what else I can do but give in to it. Perhaps this is where Radical Acceptance comes in but I feel so resistant and unwilling: I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY, let alone accept that I am indeed feeling this way.

I have done TIPP including stair-running in the hotel, ice-diving (well, cold water), and paced breathing. I have tried MOCE and body-scanning but the interoception made it even more intense. I have listened to Headspace and other meditations and I have distracted using both ACCEPTS and IMPROVE. I have done Pros and Cons and fact-checking and all the other cognitively based skills but they haven’t even touched the sides; whilst I know that “it is not effective to go with the anxiety“, it does not feel like a choice and the physical discomfort just will not budge.

It is not that I am ‘going with the anxiety’, so much as it feels that the anxiety is going with me. I do not remember the last time I felt so chronically anxious for so long without a single moment of relief. And I am getting so incredibly annoyed with myself, reality the skills and my therapy, because I feel like nothing is working right now and it is all hopeless and dire... 

… But even in saying the above, I have to be ‘effective‘, and censor or block the judgements and worry thoughts and “fuck them off to the fuck-it factory“, or challenge them with counteracting statements. Every single moment is a moment I have to think about and no matter how hard I am trying there is always something more I could be doing better.

I have to fight so hard to not screw myself or my life up in ways neurotypicals take for granted. I can’t just live for a moment without being ruled by some kind of dysfunction and it can become really fucking exhausting. 

I know this is an ironically catastrophic and all-or-nothing (essentially ineffective) post, but I need to vent about the shittiness and struggle for what it is – and today, well, it has been pretty shitty.

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10 thoughts on “Riddled With Anxiety

  1. I’m so sorry that you’re going thru this.:( I know how you feel, believe me. I used to have anxiety ALL THE TIME. I take Effexor now & that seems to help for the most part. But I always seem to have this lurking anxiety at all times. I can feel it in my stomach. The more stressful life gets or the more I try to ignore the negative things IN my life, the more it comes out. I have a “Stress Test” scheduled for the 7th where they put the adrenaline or whatever into you….very much freaking out about it throwing me straight into a panic attack.:( I hope you feel better SOON.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much, I’ve been feeling a lot better since… It was just such a horrible anxiety provoking day and I got hopefully down about it. Thanks so much for relating. Overall my anxiety is so much better than it was and I’m desperate to stay off meds. Effexor didn’t help me sadly, but I’m so happy it’s helping you. Good luck with your test – that does sound scary… I hope it can help you in some way ultimately. Take care! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Recently, to assist me with my anxiety (since I’d rather not get on another prescription), I’ve been taking an OTC vitamin called “valerian root.” It has lemon balm and so many other wonderful things in it that help me to calm my anxiety. Maybe it could help?

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  3. venting is great, and blog-venting is even better because you’re not yelling at an actual person. I’d even hazard a guess that you felt just a little better afterwards, so if it works do it and do it unapologetically ๐Ÿ˜‰ Anxiety is terrifying and really hard to go through, it’s a moment of suffering, so be kind to
    yourself. We anxiety sufferers seldom treat ourselves with the compassion we need and deserve. It takes time to get to the point where you can accept the anxiety and allow it to come and go. By accept I don’t mean resign yourself to thinking you’ll always deal with such severe anxiety, that simply isn’t true. And once we have that acceptance, something amazing happens (in my experience). The anxiety becomes less severe, less frequent, our bodies calm down and so don’t trigger off anxiety so easily. We train our brains to respond differently and then anxiety normalises, where it shows up when it is supposed to instead of randomly all the time. I’m 43 and have had crippling anxiety my whole life. I had counselling for it which was only ever about symptom management, and have been on so many different meds that all had awful side effects. A year and a half ago I had a breakdown, anxiety all day and night, more than 10 panic attacks a day, I couldn’t sleep and In fact hadn’t slept for 8 days. I found a psychologist that I really connected with and she said ok you’re experiencing severe anxiety and that’s really hard to deal with (first time anyone professional had ever acknowledged that except for my doctor) but rather than focus on your symptoms, let’s look at why you are anxious and why you react the way you do. Today finds me to be a different person, I have grown so much, learnt about myself and how I relate to me, to others and the world. I still get anxious sometimes, often it’s the normal
    anxiety everyone has, sometimes it’s the old disorder. I haven’t had a panic attack in over a year. You will get through this immensely difficult time in your life, and you will come out the other side stronger than you thought possible. although having said that, you are already stronger and more resourceful than you know! Anxiety tricks us into believing we are weak and unable to cope, but that’s all it is, a trick. Remember you are not your thoughts, and just because a thought comes into your mind, it doesn’t automatically mean it’s true, nor do you have to engage with it. One of the things that has really helped me is viewing my recovery from the disorder as a journey of self discovery. I’m finding my voice, expressing my needs, learning to say no when I mean no without feeling guilty, and treating myself with so much more respect and compassion. I truly believe perception is half the battle. I’ve changed how I view anxiety, how I view everything about myself and that has boosted my recovery. Instead of a laborious puzzle I’m trying to complete, it’s an exciting journey, and it’s made me a better person than I thought I could ever be. So I’ve been rambling, but I hope this helps you in some way. Also on valerian, there is a tea you can get called sweet dreams tea, you can drink it as needed, and it contains valerian, Passion flower and I think lemon balm too. In case you didn’t know, diazepam or Valium as it’s known, is the synthetic version of valerian. The natural version is non addictive and doesn’t come with the side effects of Valium but provides all the benefits. I was prescribed Valium for acute anxiety and panic attacks but I kept getting a common paradoxical response where my anxiety increased after taking it, the tea doesn’t do that. If you are interested, find out about neuroplasticity, which is the scientific term for being able to change how our brains react to things (short version – when we form habits, a physical highway is created in the brain called a neuropathway. Whenever a relevant situation arises, the brain remembers which highway to use, and so we react the same way. Over time these highways become so well used, it’s automatic, much like how we react to things and situations with anxiety and then our reaction to that anxiety. The good news is we can build new highways with more useful ways of responding to things, that’s neuroplasticity.) What ties into that is radical acceptance and mindfulness. They have transformed my life for the better. I wish you all the best ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much this is very kind and thoughtful of you! I know about some of the concepts as a Psychology student and love love love neuroplasticity and mindfulness which you talked about there.
      I am so grateful to you for writing and sharing all of that with me. Nothing I can say will be enough of a response to what you have just sent. It is people like you who help me find purpose and meaning in my blogging and in my life.
      Luckily my anxiety has decreased hugely this past week for the first time in a very long time.
      I have to sleep now but just wanted to say thank you so very much to you and I wish you well on your journey ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m so pleased your anxiety has decreased, and I’m glad what I wrote was encouraging, I find my writing helps me because it can help others that’s what I enjoy most about life ๐Ÿ™‚ sleep well

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