Dear the Friend I Just Messed Everything Up With

I’m sorry for screwing everything up. My inner saboteur was screaming at me all day and I finally gave in. I created the very reality I craved yet simultaneously feared the most. 

I pushed you away because I suck at intimacy even if I don’t show it, nor necessarily know it. I pushed you away because I felt out of control and because I needed to gain it back. I would rather push you away before you push me away, which I knew was going to happen. 

Now you probably hate me but I am glad you have finally rejected me because it’s so much more familiar than anything else I can deal with. Somehow rejection feels so much more needed than letting you continue to accept me for who I am. And like this, it’s on me because I am the one who triggered it – and somehow that’s easier to deal with. 

Our first “fight” and I am happy with myself. My inner saboteur is happy because I’m fucking myself and my relationships up and that’s what it gets off on and that’s what I deserve. I most certainly don’t deserve you in my life. And you deserve so much better than me.

I need pain and dysfunction in my life, apparently. I’m not allowed to get too close to anyone, you see – perhaps more so than I realised. I pretend that I can and like to think it’s a non-issue for me but really I’m fucked up in the intimacy department too – it just manifests differently. I think this is why I wanted to cut myself that time. 

I care so much about you that I haven’t been able to show the extent of my dark side before now. Now that I can, now that I’m ‘gone’, I need you to see the screwed-up relationally-inept version of who I really am; not the functional, compassionate, gentle, ‘calm’ person you thought I was for that short while. 

I cannot always be laughing nor joking things away, nor pretending that “I don’t care” nor “know”. Maybe it just hurts too much for me to feel or deal with. Maybe I am just a wimp. Maybe my only solution is the same as yours – to run away.

“I hate you, don’t leave me; I love you, fuck off” and all that. 

But maybe one day we will laugh about it together. Maybe not. Who knows. 

Despite hating the fact that it will be me initiating our next conversation (which you may or may not ever respond to) I still feel like we are going to be okay, by the way.

I still love you, really. 

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4 thoughts on “Dear the Friend I Just Messed Everything Up With

  1. I can’t tell you how one the nose your are to every single relationship I’ve ever had! I’ve been single now for nearly 4 years, because one of my worst traits is self-sabotage. Once everything is going good in my life, I have to find some way to make it bad again. It’s never intentional. It’s just that I know the other foot is going to drop eventually, so to gain control over the situation, I throw the other foot down with force. I’ve ended all but one of my relationships; the first one. I was broken and devastated. I vowed to never feel that way again, so any time I started to fall in love, I broke the person’s heart before they could break mine. Now, I’ve found myself falling for the first time in many years and she doesn’t see me that way at all. I don’t blame her, though. I would probably just ruin that, too. It’s okay though. I like being alone. I just hate being lonely.

    Sorry I’m not much help on this one, mate. Best of luck!
    Evan

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Evan. This is with a friend who is absolutely amazing and I feel so awful for being so nasty now. This manifests for me with my closest friends, therapists, etc… I feel you! The control thing makes sense to me as well, even though I don’t realise it at the time. I’m sorry you’re going with this with someone right now and hope it gets easier for you also! 😦 x

      Like

      • I got lucky with this one. She’s my best friend and my safe place. She’s got a degree in psychology, so she understands that when I push away I’m not really meaning to. I found someone who understands me and my thought process. I really hope that you can find someone like her some day.

        I’m always here if you ever need anything at all.

        Evan

        Liked by 1 person

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