I’m sorry for screwing everything up. My inner saboteur was screaming at me all day and I finally gave in. I created the very reality I craved yet simultaneously feared the most.
I pushed you away because I suck at intimacy even if I don’t show it, nor necessarily know it. I pushed you away because I felt out of control and because I needed to gain it back. I would rather push you away before you push me away, which I knew was going to happen.
Now you probably hate me but I am glad you have finally rejected me because it’s so much more familiar than anything else I can deal with. Somehow rejection feels so much more needed than letting you continue to accept me for who I am. And like this, it’s on me because I am the one who triggered it – and somehow that’s easier to deal with.
Our first “fight” and I am happy with myself. My inner saboteur is happy because I’m fucking myself and my relationships up and that’s what it gets off on and that’s what I deserve. I most certainly don’t deserve you in my life. And you deserve so much better than me.
I need pain and dysfunction in my life, apparently. I’m not allowed to get too close to anyone, you see – perhaps more so than I realised. I pretend that I can and like to think it’s a non-issue for me but really I’m fucked up in the intimacy department too – it just manifests differently. I think this is why I wanted to cut myself that time.
I care so much about you that I haven’t been able to show the extent of my dark side before now. Now that I can, now that I’m ‘gone’, I need you to see the screwed-up relationally-inept version of who I really am; not the functional, compassionate, gentle, ‘calm’ person you thought I was for that short while.
I cannot always be laughing nor joking things away, nor pretending that “I don’t care” nor “know”. Maybe it just hurts too much for me to feel or deal with. Maybe I am just a wimp. Maybe my only solution is the same as yours – to run away.
“I hate you, don’t leave me; I love you, fuck off” and all that.
But maybe one day we will laugh about it together. Maybe not. Who knows.
Despite hating the fact that it will be me initiating our next conversation (which you may or may not ever respond to) I still feel like we are going to be okay, by the way.
I still love you, really.