I am so incredibly jealous of somebody right now and it’s making my insides hurt. It’s been going on for a few weeks but every now and then something new involving the person happens – triggering an intense burst of emotion which quickly becomes overwhelming. It’s making me want to cut myself, or act out in some self-destructive way.
I feel so on edge and dysregulated each time I am exposed to or reminded of them. But the fucked up thing is that I am actually making the situation so much worse for myself by putting myself in a position of awareness, hence triggered to feel the subsequent hurt. I could so easily withdraw and put some healthy personal “bottom-lines” in place so that I am sheltered from the person, but for some reason I just can’t.
Some sick part of me would rather expose myself to these triggers and feel the intense jealousy and emotion that I do; instead of choosing to not know anything at all and risk the ignorance and lack of control which that alternative brings with it.
My insides hurt with jealousy and anxiety, and I can’t even talk to my therapist about it because of what it entails. I don’t even think there is a solution – the “threat” feels so strong that I’m not capable or willing enough to use skills to deal with this situation alone – and so I don’t know what to do.