Drowning in Jealousy 

I am so incredibly jealous of somebody right now and it’s making my insides hurt. It’s been going on for a few weeks but every now and then something new involving the person happens – triggering an intense burst of emotion which quickly becomes overwhelming. It’s making me want to cut myself, or act out in some self-destructive way. 

I feel so on edge and dysregulated each time I am exposed to or reminded of them. But the fucked up thing is that I am actually making the situation so much worse for myself by putting myself in a position of awareness, hence triggered to feel the subsequent hurt. I could so easily withdraw and put some healthy personal “bottom-lines” in place so that I am sheltered from the person, but for some reason I just can’t.

Some sick part of me would rather expose myself to these triggers and feel the intense jealousy and emotion that I do; instead of choosing to not know anything at all and risk the ignorance and lack of control which that alternative brings with it.

My insides hurt with jealousy and anxiety, and I can’t even talk to my therapist about it because of what it entails. I don’t even think there is a solution – the “threat” feels so strong that I’m not capable or willing enough to use skills to deal with this situation alone – and so I don’t know what to do. 

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10 thoughts on “Drowning in Jealousy 

  1. I don’t know much about self harm, but I do know that protecting yourself from people who cause you to feel badly can have amazing results. There were a few people on social media whose posts made me feel badly every time I read them, and eventually I changed my settings so I wouldn’t see their updates in my feed and I feel so much better on a daily basis. I know it probably isn’t the same situation for you, but separating yourself from the source can be such a positive action. I hope you can find a solution for yourself without any self harm. Take care.

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  2. I’ve been in a similar situation recently too. Not jealousy related, but needing to separate myself from a situation that I had been enmeshed in for a very long time. It was SO HARD to finally pull myself away from it, but now that I have I feel much, MUCH better. The pain of knowing, eventually outweighed the anxiety of not knowing and I was able to move past it. I know it’s hard, but I think admitting that you need to is a step in the right direction. Good luck, which ever decision you make. 🙂

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    • This makes total sense and is what I aim to achieve – thank you so much!
      I guess the start will be the hardest and over time maybe it’ll get easier. Part of the problem is the habit I’ve gotten into of “checking up on things” every few days. And part of it is my inner saboteur, thirstier than usual.
      Take care 🙂

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  3. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know the feeling. For me, sometimes ignorance is bliss–I’ve taken similar actions in the past, unfollowing friends’ posts and the like when I didn’t want to be constantly reminded of certain other people’s goings-on, and so far it has worked out well for me. I do hope you get a chance to talk to your therapist about this and I wish you well.

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  4. I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time at the moment. I’m also struggling at the moment and finding myself believing the very strong feelings that I’m ‘under threat’ I know I’m not really under threat but its getting harder to deal with the urges… I’m going to try the rubber band snapping technique today and some ice on my face!!! and a bath later and hopefully some exercise, yoga! LOL I need EVERYTHING!!! I have learnt so much from how you describe and handle your emotions xx I hope you can do what you need to give yourself the gentle, good care you deserve xx Em

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    • I’m okay generally, just up and down as always and some moments are harder than others. So “at the moment” really means literally within a single moment, because it’s just so variable!
      Thanks so much for your words it means so much to know others relate and can be helped even a tiny bit by me.
      I’m really sorry you’re struggling and at the same time it sound like you’re being incredibly willing and brave and helping yourself as much as you can, which is really all that can be asked of you. I hope that things start to life soon. Lots of love and enjoy self-soothing!

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