I sent this email to an old therapist a few years back. I feel pretty much exactly the same way with my therapist now minus the reference to eating disorder stuff. It all makes me so sad. I don’t know how to heal from it.
“I feel like I need to terminate our relationship because you can’t deal with me and I can’t deal with myself in relation to you and the guilt and shame I bring upon myself. I am too much for you and I am too much for myself to feel okay with being so dependent on you any more. I want to run away and start a new life where I can be normal and not bring pain or attachment to everyone around me.
I am stuck between a rock and a hard place because I cannot find a balance – one extreme fills me with shame and guilt because I’m burdening and being selfish and needy, and the other with feelings of aloneness and yearning for connection because I’m effortfully withholding in an attempt to protect you, from me.
This is the paradoxical conflict my life is based around – needing people desperately yet having such strong guilt and shame around it (my bulimia and bingeing), so instead trying to need no one and doing it alone – what I’ve heard being called “needless-wantless” (my anorexia).
Everything is such a big deal in my head and I feel it all to the most extreme level of the emotion. Where someone else may just shrug their shoulders and move on, little things take everything out of me and it’s so exhausting. My emotions control me and are so much more powerful than I am.
Specifically, please know that I feel powerless over the way I relate to you and that I do only want what is best for you and to not burden or hurt you any more.”