I Miss My Therapist

I haven’t written about it because it has felt too delicate a subject, but I haven’t actually seen my therapist in over a month in person, due to various reasons.

I miss her a lot. One moment I love her and desperately need her in so many ways. The next I am filled with anger and hatred as she seems to be the ‘source’ of my pain having done something to ‘wrong’ me yet again.

Our relationship is proving fragile and I don’t know if it’s going to last. Again. Our last session was highly emotional. She suggested the possibility of us terminating skills coaching as an option, because it always leads to interpersonal conflicts and further issues between us as I always perceive her to be rejecting of me – for example, her refusing to give me reassurance when I’m specifically asking for it in moments of excruciating loneliness, sadness or fear.

Initially I agreed with her about limiting our contact, out of simply wanting the ‘attachment pain’ to stop. But then I thought about it and sent her an email explaining why the solution wasn’t so simple.

I’m starting to wonder if I’m irreparable in terms of these attachment issues. It’s so ironic that a pretty specialised treatment such as DBT still may not be specialised enough for me to fully recover.

We’re going to be addressing this all tomorrow, and it’s not a pleasant conversation to be having – especially when our session will be over the phone. I just want her to come home so that I can jump on her and give her the biggest most desperate cuddle in the history of big desperate cuddles.

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