Sometimes Caring Feels Like Dying

I constantly worry that if I’m not available for my friends every second of the day, they are going to end up killing themselves and it is all going to be my fault. I will never forgive myself if anything happens to one of my precious girlies. 

Sometimes it’s like I only exist for these people. These friends become my purpose. I just want to save them; I am nothing without them. I want to lessen their pain even just for a moment and even just by a notch – and continue to do so, so moments and notches add up. 

When I die I will be able to say I have helped a lot of people, if nothing else. I am a fucking good friend, when it comes down to it. I will always put them first, and I will never stop caring.

But sometimes it takes over me and I lose myself entirely. And it scares me. Like I don’t exist as a person of value outside of these relationships. 

I care so deeply it hurts. Is it possible to love too much? 

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4 thoughts on “Sometimes Caring Feels Like Dying

  1. I think that people with our set of issues are always a little to invested once we make an attachment. We are blesses with an ability to look beyond ourselves, but sometimes we overextend, and wind up just hurting ourselves. I ended my first relationship because she had what essentially undiagnosed and therefore untreated social anxiety, and I would spend so much time worrying about her that it began to affect me negatively, to the point where I would start avoiding her. I think we love to much in every relationship that we make, and that sometimes it is important to remember that although you may be able to help your friends, your role in their life is just that: A friend; not a psychologist, and that at the end of the day, they are independent people who have to make their own decisions, no matter how much those decisions might hurt others around them.

    Liked by 1 person

      • I have been having a hard time with RA on the fact that I have moved to California, and so I have been unfortunately neglecting many relationships. I was finally able to get myself out of deadlock and start talking to people again, however, and I apologize that I let my emotions get in the way of a great friendship for so long. Also, I think we all get attached to people who hurt us. Why else would the children of abusive parents still love them, and why would individuals in relations who have been abused by their significant other stay in the relationship if they had the power to leave, though that is not always the situation, obviously. My mother was hurtful to me, and neglected me as a child emotionally in many situations, yet I have the hardest time not giving into her when we speak, and taking her side, no matter how much she hurts me. It is simply something we must try to figure out personally, and with help if we need it, but you have to make sure to look for that toxicity early on, and even if you don’t catch it every time, you at least won’t be surprised by it. It isn’t easy (at least for someone as socially illiterate as myself :P) but what can you do other than try.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Why are you so wise my friend? Thank you for the food for thought. Yes you are so right… and no matter how much I hear about your mum and your relationship, it still makes sense to me that you “give in” to her so to speak. The mother-child is relationship is the most powerful of them all. I’m always super sad to hear what you’ve been through with her. I’m glad you’re getting back in contact with friends. I understand if you’ve been in a flunk, you have a lot going on. It’s ok ❤

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