I have lost a friend after a small misunderstanding blew up into a huge argument. She was my only friend in my class at uni. I didn’t care that I was a loner because at least we were loners together. She was my partner in loserville. We had a good laugh together.
Now I’m a sole loner and it sucks. It’s really painful. It’s awkward. I’m angry. Hurt. Confused. I feel so alone amongst the crowd, more so because she is just metres away – but inaccessible to me now. I feel so invisible and alone.
Usually, I forgive. I go through ruptures and repairs. I need people. But she doesn’t forgive. With her it’s different: One mistake and you’re out. I misjudged a situation, felt rejected, reacted ineffectively…. And now I’m out. For good.
I put myself out there for her a lot – and have been shot in the foot for one single error. This happens to me a lot. I think I need to work on my interpersonal skills.
I’m so angry with myself. But because of what she said to me after, I know it’s the right decision to cut her out of my life for good –
“I’m going through my own shit at the moment – why would I even think about you? i tell/told u things that i wouldn’t even tell my mum and tbh I really regret it now. I couldn’t care less if I’m being honest; I’ve got friends outside uni and so do you. I’m literally only here to get my degree and go, so I think it’s best to leave it at that.”
For once I’m more angry with her than I am with myself. Now I know what she really thinks. And she doesn’t give a shit. She’s been using me all along.
It’s also so awkward and dysregulating. I’ll be seeing her in class 4 days a week for the next year and a half. A girl who knows lots about me and vice versa, who I’ve shared many memories with, who has previously been my confidant…. and none of it means anything any more.
I also got so jealous today. Our lecturer was coddling her, asking her if she was okay, saying that she could leave if she needed to, etc. Well that’s great. But what about ME?
I was so happy that I had a friend at uni; someone to sit next to and partner up with for assignments. So as soon as she showed the smallest sign of avoidance, I couldn’t manage what it brought up.
In an attempt to keep her close to me, I ended up pushing her away. This is how the paradox rolls.
No one knows it because I appear clingy and dependent as a friend, but the truth is that I have sabotage and fear-of-intimacy written all over me. And that’s exactly what happens when I unleash the beast. This is why I’m so afraid of my anger and why I generally keep it all inside. It just destroys relationships. It pushes everyone away. It’s like a poison. Maybe I really am as toxic as I thought.
Edit: Apologies for all the judgements… I am working on that.