I need to tell my therapist something and I need to tell it to her urgently. I’m realising in the calmness and relative stability of this week that I’m holding on tightly not to crumble. Counter-intuitive and nonsensical as it may sound, these are the times I need to be the most careful; the times I need the most support.
Sometimes when things are okay I find it incredibly difficult to be okay within it. I feel unsettled, unanchored, slightly dissociated, and struggle to make sense of my world and accept it for what it is. I get incredibly scared – terrified, even – of what being okay could mean. It makes me want to sabotage; to create something – anything – that could reintroduce some drama into my life and induce some kind of pain.
The extent to which I need pain in my life is not conducive to me having a life worth living; and yet, I cannot live without it. I feel like I am on a precipice and that self-destruction lies just out of my reach – calling me, beckoning me in all its familiarity and power.
I need her to know that this is going on for me right now so that she can stick by my side more closely than she ever has done before – so that I can be given the message that it IS okay to be okay and that she is NOT going to leave me because of it.
I desperately need her to validate my experience of this, tell me it’s understandable considering my life and my past, but most importantly, show me the most support she is able to in these moments so that I don’t sabotage things and take a step (or 10) backwards just so that I can be seen by her.
I’m really scared.
I don’t want to fuck it up but at the same time I want to fuck it up so, so bad.