When It’s Not Okay To Be Okay

I need to tell my therapist something and I need to tell it to her urgently. I’m realising in the calmness and relative stability of this week that I’m holding on tightly not to crumble. Counter-intuitive and nonsensical as it may sound, these are the times I need to be the most careful; the times I need the most support.

Sometimes when things are okay I find it incredibly difficult to be okay within it. I feel unsettled, unanchored, slightly dissociated, and struggle to make sense of my world and accept it for what it is. I get incredibly scared – terrified, even – of what being okay could mean. It makes me want to sabotage; to create something – anything – that could reintroduce some drama into my life and induce some kind of pain. 

The extent to which I need pain in my life is not conducive to me having a life worth living; and yet, I cannot live without it. I feel like I am on a precipice and that self-destruction lies just out of my reach – calling me, beckoning me in all its familiarity and power. 

I need her to know that this is going on for me right now so that she can stick by my side more closely than she ever has done before – so that I can be given the message that it IS okay to be okay and that she is NOT going to leave me because of it. 

I desperately need her to validate my experience of this, tell me it’s understandable considering my life and my past, but most importantly, show me the most support she is able to in these moments so that I don’t sabotage things and take a step (or 10) backwards just so that I can be seen by her. 

I’m really scared. 

I don’t want to fuck it up but at the same time I want to fuck it up so, so bad.

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7 thoughts on “When It’s Not Okay To Be Okay

  1. “so that I can be given the message that it is okay to be okay and that you are NOT going to leave me because of it.”

    SO MUCH AGREEMENT. Every time my therapist sees me starting to improve she wants to reduce the frequency of appointments, and I panic. She sees it as me not needing her as much because I’m doing better, and I see it as me doing better because I’m seeing her.

    Last time we tried to cut down to every other week. We scheduled it that way for about 2 months, but every off-week I’d be e-mailing her asking for a last-minute appointment. Now she’s brought up the idea again (not specifically of going to every other week, but a more general “the goal is for you to not need me anymore”). I just e-mailed her an agreement that when we schedule for March I will take ONE week off from therapy. No promises to not e-mail her during that week, but a promise that I won’t ask for an appointment. If it’s truly an emergency there’s an on-call therapist I can go see.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I just can’t get my head around this all. It’s so painful. I’m so scared. I feel like she’s trying to get me less dependent, but what I need is to know that I can depend on her and that I don’t have to be in a crisis to do so. Ugh. She hasn’t even done anything wrong. I’m just doing okay. That’s all the problem is. I just need her to understand what this is like for me. And to respond and treat me accordingly.
      I’m so sorry you have experienced similar stuff with your therapist.. and hope you manage to come to a resolution together; or that regardless of a solution, she is able to support you in the way you need her to. Take care ❤

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  2. I can so 100% relate to this but my battle lays with my GP. She has never lessened our contact (once weekly) & is absolutely amazing to me but I do find myself validating our relationship often. I spend a lot of my time, particularly when I’m slightly more well, having an internal battle of doing physical harm to mean she can’t abandon me e.g severe dehydration, not taking meds appropriately. I constantly worry that she will feel there is no longer a need to see me or that someone will advise she stop seeing me. It’s bloody exhausting!! Hopefully in the near future I will transfer some of my reliance on her to my new therapist. Take care of yourself

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    • Yes – exactly! Thanks so much for relating….
      Luckily I spoke to my therapist and she was absolutely incredible, gave me exactly what I needed and not in an unhealthy way at all.
      It’s just scary how much I rely on her – and no myself – in order to be able to regulate.
      Take care and best of luck to you!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I really relate to this. I often feel like I’m not worthy of even basic care and attention from my therapist unless I am experiencing a certain level of internal distress or crisis, probably because growing up I never received even basic care or attention UNLESS I was in visible distress that warranted crisis intervention. I know for me this would be such an important cycle to break and it would be so powerful to learn that I am worthy just because I am me and not due to needing a certain level of therapeutic intervention.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes yes yes yes yes. All the above.
      I’m sorry you experience similar.
      Luckily my therapist was able to respond exactly how I needed her to…. I am hopeful that I’ll be able to work through this belief. And I hope you are able to also ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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