Tonight I made the *decision* to self harm. I thought I had decided without doubt that I was going to do it because the urges were so high and fighting them so effortful.
Then something noteworthy happened.
As soon as I let myself stop fighting the urges and allowed myself the potential of giving in to them, they lost their full power. It was like not being “allowed” to do it was making me want to do it more. Then when I gave myself the option of doing it, the intensity of the urges faded and something within me was liberated.
I had been dead set on it after the point I was triggered. I didn’t care that it would be a total relapse or how it would affect myself and potentially those around me because I was hurting so much. I had given in 99% of the way; and didn’t think I would be able to resist this time.
However, I did.
When I let go of the white-knuckling and desperate attempts to not give in to the urges, and let go of the fight I was in, the tension and impulse dissipated slightly. Yes it was only slight but it was enough to put some space between the urge and the action.
I don’t know exactly what that means as I haven’t had such high urges in a while but it kept me from giving in to them. It was like the skill of Mindfuless of Current Thoughts but with a twist. When I really noticed the urges as thoughts instead of as the visceral impulse they initially felt like, something in me shifted – and my *decision* to self harm was eventually reversed.