Jealousy and Envy in Therapy

My head is in a whirl. I am not okay.

My friend from DBT who struggles with certain behaviours has set up a sponsorship page, raising money for charity, to stop engaging in that behaviour for a certain number of days.

We have the same therapist and it was our therapists’s idea for my friend to set up the page. I struggle enough sharing a therapist with people I am friends with as it is, but then there is this on top… I just logged on to donate to my friend for her cause, when BAM. My heart almost jumped out through my throat.

There is a donation from our therapist – MY therapist – and it is not by any means a small amount. She has donated a substantial figure, and I cannot get my head around how that is okay, considering the relationship. Alongside it there is a comment saying how proud she is of my friend, and I am incredibly envious, jealous, angry and hurt.

I am not okay.

Ironically I told the girls I am friends with that I don’t get triggered just this morning in group. I didn’t mean to lie but I wanted to reassure them. The truth is I get triggered, by absolutely anything related to this struggle.

I am triggered beyond belief. All my attachment wounds and vulnerability in this area have been activated 100/100.

I am so fucking jealous and envious that I feel like I am going to burst. I am angry, and deeply ashamed at that. I am sad and scared. I am trying not to have a panic attack but I feel like I can barely breath. I am desperate for a sign from my therapist that she loves me, and that she doesn’t prefer my friend over me. I am hurting so much.

I feel like a baby. Not in a judgmental way even; I literally feel like I am a fragile desperate needy tiny vulnerable little baby. I don’t know how to regulate myself and this attachment pain without her.

I don’t know what to do.

How many times have I said that before? I am trying so hard to be effective. But there are no skills to lessen this sort of pain. This is where I call her bawling my eyes out and Emotion Mind takes over.

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10 thoughts on “Jealousy and Envy in Therapy

  1. I can totally relate. I’m sorry to hear this. I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you. I am proud that you can realize though that your emotional mind is taking over. That in itself is a huge step that I myself have only recently learned and am still working on. Keep your chin up. Validate the hurt, but try not to get stuck. Be proud that you are doing well. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I can’t address my abandonment fears face to face with my T. But I have written her some terribly embarrassing truths. So terrible (in my mind) that I often fear going back. Like oh my gawd, I can’t believe I felt as such let alone that I felt the need to share it. Really it’s okay and I’d rather feel a bit awkward having shared than utterly stuck in that abandoned aloneness.

    Do you think you feel as if your T will only like you if you are doing “well” or focusing on the positive? Like she might be tired of you being so babyish? Sometimes I think my T feels empathy and other times she is frustrated. I don’t know what I’m afraid of.

    So I’m trying to think how I would feel if my friend saw my T. Actually it’s not a great feeling. But really I think I would feel this pressure to be better and angry at myself. Either way it probably wasn’t the wisest decision for your T to contribute. Here is why. By doing so, she gave a client something “extra” and it really isn’t ethical or fair because now she theoretically needs to do this for everyone. What if everyone she saw started an online charity? She couldn’t possibly be that wealthy. And it’s not a big deal but yet it is. And you are dealing with feelings related to this and it is an issue for you. If you can talk to her you should. It’s not a big deal but it is your healing and your abandonment crap.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yes exactly, I am sure it can’t be ethical? I was trying to “check the facts” and remind myself she has done favours for me (e.g. bringing me back 20 bottles of this skin product when she went abroad which I paid her back for, or giving me a free session for “being effective” near the early days of our work together). But it still hurts and doesn’t feel “fair”!

      I don’t actually feel like I need to be doing better than my 3 friends who see her – quite the contrary. I feel like she will be less inclined to help and support me if I am doing well, and more likely to focus on them if they are not.

      Well done for sharing what you did and not going with the shame (which is totally not justified considering she’s your therapist and this is what they are in for haha). It was very brave of you and I hope you can continue to find ways to express your process with her to her. Take care and thank you!

      Liked by 2 people

      • Haha, yes it’s good I share but totally lame that I have to email it! Oh well maybe one day I won’t be 5 or 14 anymore. Glad you don’t feel pressured with your T but allow yourself to feel hurt without judging yourself so harshly. Use your DBT skills and simply acknowledge how you feel with curiosity. Not so easy, I know

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I relate to this immensely. I would be extremely upset and wondering why I can’t get that amount of recognition because I’m trying hard too! You’re not on your own with those feelings, I promise you. xx

    Liked by 2 people

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