My head is in a whirl. I am not okay.
My friend from DBT who struggles with certain behaviours has set up a sponsorship page, raising money for charity, to stop engaging in that behaviour for a certain number of days.
We have the same therapist and it was our therapists’s idea for my friend to set up the page. I struggle enough sharing a therapist with people I am friends with as it is, but then there is this on top… I just logged on to donate to my friend for her cause, when BAM. My heart almost jumped out through my throat.
There is a donation from our therapist – MY therapist – and it is not by any means a small amount. She has donated a substantial figure, and I cannot get my head around how that is okay, considering the relationship. Alongside it there is a comment saying how proud she is of my friend, and I am incredibly envious, jealous, angry and hurt.
I am not okay.
Ironically I told the girls I am friends with that I don’t get triggered just this morning in group. I didn’t mean to lie but I wanted to reassure them. The truth is I get triggered, by absolutely anything related to this struggle.
I am triggered beyond belief. All my attachment wounds and vulnerability in this area have been activated 100/100.
I am so fucking jealous and envious that I feel like I am going to burst. I am angry, and deeply ashamed at that. I am sad and scared. I am trying not to have a panic attack but I feel like I can barely breath. I am desperate for a sign from my therapist that she loves me, and that she doesn’t prefer my friend over me. I am hurting so much.
I feel like a baby. Not in a judgmental way even; I literally feel like I am a fragile desperate needy tiny vulnerable little baby. I don’t know how to regulate myself and this attachment pain without her.
I don’t know what to do.
How many times have I said that before? I am trying so hard to be effective. But there are no skills to lessen this sort of pain. This is where I call her bawling my eyes out and Emotion Mind takes over.