Have any of you actually managed to “beat” or overcome dissociation? I don’t mean within single instances like the intense bursts with somewhat tangible triggers e.g. a trauma response, I mean generally, within life.
I spend probably 60-70% of my average waking time feeling dissociated and it was as high as 90% in recent weeks before skiing, for no tangible reason.
It’s really getting me down. When I’m like this, even when things are going “okay”, it’s like I’m just existing, not really living a worthwhile life at all.
Skiing helped me feel grounded and present to the point that I took it for granted and forgot the extent to which dissociation rules my life. But now that I’m off the slopes, the dissociation has hit with a vengeance and it feels like it’s back even stronger.
It’s hard to describe, and because I can just about”function”, I feel like I’m being dramatic. So I’ll try and be descriptive –
I feel like I’m in a constant fog. The world feels far away and out of my grasp. My senses are often muted. I find it impossible to concentrate or even take in simple stimuli such as light conversation and respond to them “normally”. Time is distorted. I am in slow motion. My brain and body aren’t in sync. Sometimes I feel trippy and my vision goes in and out or is blurry. I’m in a constant daze. My limbs don’t feel part of my body when I look at them, especially my hands. My memory isn’t working. I can’t learn. Nothing feels real. I do not exist.
I am so sad that it is back again. Every time it comes back after a period of “feeling alive” (e.g. whilst skiing), the disparity is such that it hits me extra hard.
My twelve year old sister just tried to teach me a card game and play and chat with me. I had to tell her I felt unwell because I was so spaced out that I couldn’t take in or make sense of anything she was saying. I feel so guilty to her because she needs me to be present, but I can’t be. I even did ice diving but after five minutes it stopped working. I told her I was really tired, which is the excuse I always use for the dissociation. It seems to work.
I’m scared I’ll never be able to have children because my dissociation gets in the way of being able to connect to people in a meaningful way; and there is no way I could bring a child into this world if i am unable to be fully present with them throughout their life.
It influences me to take myself off and isolate until it passes because conversing and pretending is so difficult, if not impossible, to do when I’m not present. I also end up wasting so much time when stuck in this state, which is frustrating as I have a ton of work and other commitments to do, and little time to lose.
Has anyone found any long-term solutions for dissociation? I don’t mean temporary grounding techniques. I need to target this stuff from its core, so I can live my life instead of just floating through it. I would really appreciate it. Any therapies or treatments, lifestyle changes or whatever. Thanks guys.