The Unpredictability of BPD

I had three to four days of relative stability and then today happened. I am in a lot of pain, to put it mildly. Actually, it is excruciating. I am oscillating between gut-wrenching pain accompanied by relentless tears, sudden tiny bursts of motivation in which to use skills, and sheer exhaustion and dissociative paralysis. 

For the past four days, even when difficult things came up, I was able to regulate myself somewhat effectively. For some reason I am finding this impossible today; the swings are in complete control, and I’m being flung about like a rag doll in the ocean.

What scares me about BPD isn’t just how low I can go, but how drastically and completely the shifts can occur and take me over.

I can shift from a high level of functionality one day or hour to completely besides myself in emotional pain and sky high urges the next. The not-knowing-what-to-expect is what gets me every time. Today is requiring a lot of self-compassion and patience which I am struggling to muster. 

For now it is going to be about not making the situation worse. That is a commitment I am making. 

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9 thoughts on “The Unpredictability of BPD

  1. I know what you mean. I went through this long (a few months) period of time where I was so numb and so indifferent that I actually believed I was getting better.
    I wasn’t angry anymore. My moods didn’t fluctuate in a matter of moments. But that was the problem. I was filled with this perpetual sadness but I didn’t really “feel” it. I didn’t really “feel” anything.
    At the same time, I was feeling way too much. I can’t explain it.
    Last night everything collapsed.
    And now I am experiencing what you wrote.
    There’s just so much pain.

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    • It sounds like you were experiencing dissociation, at least to an extent?
      I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain also. I really hope you have support out there – this stuff is so difficult to manage let alone manage alone… Take care x

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      • I don’t know if it was dissociation in the original sense because I’ve experienced that before. But perhaps some variation of it.
        I study away from home and I’m not so good with “keeping” people so to speak. I have this psychiatrist back home who’s really something.. He really helps. But he’s so far away and I rarely get to see him. I haven’t been able to find that sort of person who I can trust and knows me here. I’m a psychology student though. And I intern at this great place where I can find some comfort at least. When I’m not with clients, I can lean on other staff and supervisors.

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      • Perhaps. I experience quite a few levels/ variations of dissociation. Sorry if it’s not that and I was putting my experiences onto you!
        I’m also a psychology student! It must be hard being away from home… It is impressive and admirable that you are keeping on keeping on despite how difficult things feel and are for you.
        I wonder if there are any support groups around at your Uni or in the area?
        Take care x

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      • You weren’t putting your experiences on me 🙂
        And I kinda prefer being away from home.
        Sadly there aren’t any support groups at all in India for personality disorders, or actually anything other than AA or OA.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ooh you’re in India?! Wow that’s gotta be hard, with such limited support. Can you skype your psychiatrist for sessions, if you find it particularly helpful? He sounds like a keeper.. and you sound super resilient and strong x

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      • Thank you. I can’t Skype him cos it’s too weird. I see him when I can. Someone connected to my internship site is starting a support group in April. That should be good! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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