I had three to four days of relative stability and then today happened. I am in a lot of pain, to put it mildly. Actually, it is excruciating. I am oscillating between gut-wrenching pain accompanied by relentless tears, sudden tiny bursts of motivation in which to use skills, and sheer exhaustion and dissociative paralysis.
For the past four days, even when difficult things came up, I was able to regulate myself somewhat effectively. For some reason I am finding this impossible today; the swings are in complete control, and I’m being flung about like a rag doll in the ocean.
What scares me about BPD isn’t just how low I can go, but how drastically and completely the shifts can occur and take me over.
I can shift from a high level of functionality one day or hour to completely besides myself in emotional pain and sky high urges the next. The not-knowing-what-to-expect is what gets me every time. Today is requiring a lot of self-compassion and patience which I am struggling to muster.
For now it is going to be about not making the situation worse. That is a commitment I am making.