I am being bombarded with thoughts about my therapist and “what she really thinks” of me. I don’t know why it has suddenly become a Thing, as she has been incredibly supportive and gentle recently. But for some reason it is very much A Thing. And it is A Painful Thing indeed.
I love my therapist (totally non romantically) so much it hurts. She takes over my life. My life’s purpose becomes centred around her. I have lost my identity even further because I don’t exist or have worth outside of “us”. The meaning I attach to her isn’t even “real”; the relationship can never exist in the outside world where life is supposed to happen.
I am overly invested in our relationship; in pleasing her, in making her proud of me, in having regular contact, in asking after her, in creating opportunities for contact, in looking forward to our sessions more than anything else all week. I am seriously attachment disordered.
And yet, it is unlikely that I mean even a fraction to her of what she means to me.
Some thoughts around this are –
- I’m just another client/ case
- She will never care about me or love me in the way I yearn for
- I’m just one of many
- I am not special to her
- It wouldn’t affect her if I quit therapy
- It wouldn’t affect her if I killed myself
- I’m not her favourite and never will be
- There are so many of us
- I’m the most burdensome
- She would love to get rid of me
- Our sessions impact me so deeply but she just goes home and on with her life whilst I’m doubled over in pain caused by the relationship
- Which doesn’t impact her in the slightest
- Or she goes onto the next client and forgets about me 5 mins after I’ve left
- Whilst I think about her 24/7
- Missing her, shamefully
- Despite the fact she will never be missing me
- Nothing I do is ever good enough anyway
- She hates me
- She’s disappointed with me
- I’m only keeping myself safe for her
- Everything I do is for her
- It is so fucking tragic
So I’m meant to label these Worry Thoughts and Mind Reading and All-or-Nothing thinking and call them distorted because they may not be true and I really cannot tell. But the thing is they may be true and some of them most probably are.
And my head is pounding and telling me to die and I am just in so much pain. It is a catch 22 because I go to therapy to make my life better but it brings up its own pain centred entirely on the therapeutic relationship and it pulls me down so incredibly low.
And the most depressing thing is that it is all over someone who only exists in the somewhat false reality of therapy. Surely this could be avoided?
But then I would have to leave her. And I would rather have her and be dying of pain than not have her at all.
I feel so broken.
It is all so fucking tragic.