I did something very painful this morning with one of my old treatment centres. It was the one I’m still pretty attached to, where two of my old therapists (H and S) who I often write about are based. I haven’t been able to let go of that part of my life for so long, but I am starting to accept that it is time, based on where I am right now in my process.
So I went to group therapy there today (which we can attend as an after care type thing ongoingly). I was silent most of the time but at the end I talked and cried and shared about what I needed to do with regards to saying goodbye to that part of my life and some of the people there too.
So I guess that was the last group I will be going to, and I probably won’t see any of the people there in the near future. Perhaps until the regular Xmas quiz.
I didn’t get to say goodbye to H who’s now on maternity leave, and I didn’t see S either. I was really upset about both. But I was very effective: I spoke to the staff, and I handed in my key which they didn’t know I had been holding onto ever since I left, years ago now.
It felt profound and very painful. I am experiencing a lot of sadness. But I know it’s what I needed to do, and what I have needed to do (but not felt able to) for quite some time now.
I hope that letting go of that part of my life will help me with my long term goals, in building a life worth living. They will always have a special place in my heart; I know that and trust that they do too.
It feels like a huge step for me. I am very sad and teary, but I think that feeling sadness and crying is what I need to do right now.
I will be try and gentle with myself today…