I really need structure. Without it, I start to sink. It is absolutely essential if I want to maintain some semblance of mental wellness to have routine in my days. Without it, the likelihood of falling into hopelessness and depression increases ten-fold.
I have no official structure from now until… well…. October. Because, yes, that is how university works here. You pay £9,000 for less than half a year worth of actual classes. For me it works out to be 10 weeks from October to December, 10 weeks from January to March, and then nothing until exams in May.
So now it is Easter break. Then it is “study leave”. Then some sporadically spaced out exams. Followed by 4 months of “summer holidays”. Until I resume lectures in October.
Overall I have gone from having a set structure of university 4 days a week (including evenings on two of those days) to no formal structure whatsoever besides my two weekly therapy sessions, once weekly DBT group and once weekly voluntary school lunch cover.
My plans got cancelled today and it was really challenging to motivate myself to do anything. I struggle so much without structure and know I need to plan for the days ahead, so that I don’t end up returning to old habits, sleeping my life away.
I need to not let myself nap all day or lay paralysed in apathy on the sofa. It is dangerous when I wake up after midday, stop showering and dressing, stop seeing people, stop making effort, stop leaving the house, etc. It is so easy to stay in all day and wallow in things when I have no regular or planned activities or commitments. I can just study at home and avoid the world in almost every other way.
But it is not healthy. For me, it is a recipe for disaster.
I didn’t think of this until just now: Maybe I will continue going to university at my usual times – four days a week – but to the library instead of classes. That way I can do my assignments and revision from somewhere other than my bed. I will be showered and dressed and out of the house. I will also get a lot more done I’m sure.
Please don’t let me sink please don’t let me sink please don’t let me sink.