The Struggle Is Real

I am feeling a lot of sadness and shame, anger and fear. Loneliness. I am having hopeless thoughts and catastrophising thoughts and judgements and worry thoughts and all-or-nothing thoughts. My head is very busy. 

I am struggling with friendships and social anxiety and finding the willingness and courage to venture out into the unknown and meet new people. I feel alone but my anxiety is preventing me from taking any meaningful action in the right direction to combat this. 

I am struggling with self care; with changing my clothes, wearing a bra, drinking enough water, eating healthily, putting on make up so I feel a little more confident and able to look people in the eye. 

I am struggling with getting out of bed at a decent time, and even when I do I somehow manage to end up in the foetal position on the sofa for hours a time.

I am struggling to concentrate and be productive; even when I get out of the house to the library, my brain just isn’t in the right place. Yesterday I spent over 4 hours in the library. I wrote down the title and 2 sentences. The rest of the time I was picking at myself, staring into space, thinking about nothing and everything at the same time.

I am struggling with food for the first time in ages. I have been feeling compulsive and out of control with food much more than I usually do. When food wobbles, everything wobbles. I have to keep an eye on that.

I am struggling to balance my emotions with all the other demands I have – specifically uni and all the assignments I am currently finding impossible to get done, amongst some difficult family stresses I have had going on. 

I am struggling with friends who let me down in various ways: invalidating me, not responding to me, cancelling on me. I feel like it must be for a reason – I really must be very flawed indeed. 

I think I am still feeling triggered after my therapy session last Tuesday when we spoke about trauma and I disclosed things I never had before after I was triggered the day before. I have felt unsettled ever since. I feel somewhat not here, like I haven’t quite come back to the present. 

I have cried so much today. Even when I started feeling more okay, the tears physically would not stop. 

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3 thoughts on “The Struggle Is Real

  1. My soul hurts for you as I consider all this anguish you have shared. I suffered from depression and other things you mentioned for more than 20 years. I can relate to a fault. I tackled my mental turmoil, social awkwardness and other matters by working on the spiritual side of me. I know this is not the preference for all but for me it was that non-prescription, zero dollar cO-pay fix that worked after no medical professional could! I pray you find that thing that works for you and plane this a thing of the past. Life is a wonderful thing once all the ashes are cleared.😇

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am quite spiritual in some ways (nature, my mindfulness and meditation practices, connecting with animals and people) but not in the typical sense, and not religious at all. For some reason I find that I access my spiritually more easily in the summer months, so hopefully the changing seasons will help.. I really appreciate your heart felt message and reaching out to me! I am sorry for all you have been through, but happy to hear that you have found your path. All the best x

      Liked by 1 person

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