I went out for that dinner thing I spoke about a few blog posts ago. I had organised a reunion with some old friends in an attempt to work on friendships, which is something I am struggling with.
On the surface it was fine – enjoyable, even. I’m sure an outsider would feed back that I even looked happy and connected.
But inside, I was far from it. Inside was another story. On the inside, in my own little painful world, I was struggling immensely.
I felt so out of place and like I had nothing in common with these people who used to be my everything. I couldn’t roll up my sleeves because of my scars and was absolutely boiling, sweating with anxiety which didn’t help at all. I kept noticing judgements about myself and how much of a “freak” I was being, how “different” I am and how much I am “failing” at life compared to these girls.
Even when I noticed the judgements and tried to label them and throw myself back into the experience of the dinner, the felt sense of being different just wouldn’t leave me. I felt awkward and socially anxious, shameful and lost. I was overcome with shame and self hatred. I couldn’t find things to say which were funny enough. I didn’t have any updates in the same domains as them (boyfriends, work, living arrangements, etc). I didn’t know when to smile or laugh or umm or aww. After less than an hour I started dissociating.
I started noticing thoughts about how much BPD has taken away from me. My life is very much stagnant and has been on hold for some time now. My mental illness has ruined my life in so many ways and the sad truth is that even in this thing we call “recovery”, it continues to debilitate me.
And it’s just like…. I can’t explain how much effort it takes when I’m hurting to push myself to get up, dressed, made up, socialise, etc. And then when it feels like it felt tonight, I question why I even bother. Pain on top of pain on top of pain.
I know it’s not helpful to go with all these thoughts, and my therapist would ask me to stick with the emotion. So I shall say that I am noticing feelings of anger, self-disgust, shame, loneliness and sadness. I would posit that the sadness and loneliness are the primary emotions in all this.
The fact that I can feel so lonely amidst the company of the girls who used to be sisters to me, is bringing up so much sadness. I have lost many things due to my illness but the loss of true meaningful connections is the most painful of them all.
I am experiencing a high intensity of the above and my action urges are to cry, scream, avoid or cut myself to shreds. Instead I am going to watch a comedy and go to sleep. That does not mean for a second that the pain is any less distressing. The pain – of everything right now – is excruciating.
But I am riding the wave of my emotions like I am supposed to do. My emotions are a wave. My emotions are a wave. My emotions are a wave.