Mental + Physical Illnes = F*cking Ouch

So many people I know with BPD and other mental health conditions suffer from (chronic) physical ailments as well. 

It really upsets me because we are in enough pain emotionally, how is it fair to be in so much pain physically as well?  Like hello, I am trying to get my life on track here and this really is not helping. Is the universe trying to spite me? Am I being punished? Is this some sort of sick joke? Etc etc etc.

I know it is really unhelpful to think like this so I will try not to go with those judgments and be more descriptive: 

I feel like my spine is collapsing in on itself. I feel like it is crumbling, like parts of me are falling away from my centre and my centre is burning. It feels like there are a million tiny shards of glass pressing into the core of my lower back in a place that remains unreachable. Like thousands of tiny hands are scraping and pulling and searing my insides. I am noticing swells of shooting sensations and waves of dull aching tenderness and bursts of feeling like muscle is being torn from bone. 

I can just feel so acutely the sensations going on in my back right now and it is making me feel nauseous because of how viscerally overwhelming it is.

The only thing that helps is sleep. But I’ve been bed bound all afternoon with ice on my back trying not to succumb to the temptation of my mum’s (not so) secret stash of prescription painkiller medication (I used to abuse them). 

I am trying to distract, trying to mindfully “go into the pain”, trying to breathe, trying to zone out, trying to accept, trying to push away. You name it, I’m trying it.

And also, I know hands down I am one of my lucky ones and that in itself is depressing. My pain is transient and I have periods where it doesn’t get in the way of my life. On a day to day basis it can be anywhere from between 1-3 out of 5 on average and that feels manageable; I am used to it now and able to continue with my days. Today is especially intense and disabling but I know it will pass, I really do.

But there are people who suffer on a momentary basis with physical pain so debilitating I cannot even begin to imagine. Mental pain + physical pain = a recipe for disaster and my heart goes out to everyone suffering in this way. 

I think there needs to be some sort of medical revolution because mental and physical pain disorders are often so inextricably interlinked; and targeting them both together could really do wonders for the people suffering from them.


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