Five Years

Today it is Monday 11th April 2015. Today it is exactly five years since something happened which continues to haunt me today.

I am working on this skill called Dual Awareness because I keep feeling as though I am being sucked back five years into the past and it is very distressing.

I have pushed the world away today in various ways and not really let myself feel what is actually going on for me. But the last few hours things have hit and I am experiencing visceral sensations and high subsequent urges.

Anniversaries of painful events can be extremely challenging. A date and a time represent so much within themselves that they seem to trigger everything else even in the absence of specific tangible stimuli. Then the various types of memories self-perpetuate, and I end up feeling as though I am triggering myself over and over – like this is somehow my fault, again. 

It has gotten to the time of night where my brain just will not shut off and my body refuses to calm itself. I know I have to wait this one out but I feel like I am suffocating within my own body.

Living with trauma (whatever type) is like fighting a losing battle. No matter where you go or how far you try and run or hide, the trauma remains etched into your mind and body, eating you alive from the inside out.

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