The Paradox of Pain

I have been okay. I have been stable and okay for a week. Overall it has been pretty neutral, and for me, neutrality is a rather miraculous thing. 

Overall, I am trying to take these moments of okayness one second at a time and not overthink them, despite how unfamiliar and disconcerting it may feel.

But it is hard, because amidst the relative stability, I feel like I am lacking something. I feel like something is missing from my life. I feel like I can’t quite connect to it, or with myself, on a real and meaningful level. I feel like a spectator, watching, waiting, sitting bored at the sidelines.

I feel like maybe a part of me needs the pain in order to be able to connect? Like it’s the only way I know how to feel real and alive and full?

The ‘Borderline pain’ as I call it is such a catch 22: Can’t live with it, can’t live without it.

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10 thoughts on “The Paradox of Pain

  1. You don’t need pain. I’ve had several periods in my two years of treatment where everything was neutral and I felt like that wasn’t enough, that there needed to be something worth living for. I’ve finally started to find that joy again, but it has taken time (and a lot of reassurance from friends and my therapist).

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      • Think about the things you would have liked to do in the past, when you were feeling better. (I’m going with the assumption that there was some point in the past, even if during childhood, when you found life enjoyable.) Try forcing yourself to do those things even when you don’t feel like it.

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      • I found meaning in my day today, doing something simple. It made me feel like there was more to life than simply bobbing along through it in a half connected state. I left my phone at home and walked my dogs with my twelve year old sister. For just an hour I was totally devoted to playing catch and fetch and nothing else needed to matter. I’ve felt much more connected since, less dissociative and more happy. I think living in objective reality not fictional reality (see previous post) helps a lot.
        Thanks again. I appreciate it!

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  2. Im ill all the time,all my life i think. They say im bipolar. Too ill for that. I hurt all over,i pain,i cry ,im soo sad,and for others tooo much. Its so hard carrying on all the time. Life has been awful,but i cant understand what ive done or said or is or was it my looks from being a baby iremembered abuse by my dad,not a lot tho. But bits later,not sexual then. And taunts,that fathers with daughters ok when i was appx 40,so i know its not a dream. But was very ill on my 3rd pregnancy. Also he died at six month. Hole in heart. And was diagnosed years later ,bipolar. Lots more upsets,you would not believe,honest. I hurt soo much,physically n mentally no letup. Had suicide attempts. Hospitals. Homeless. Drinking. Hurting myself a lot. Cutting,sores all over me. Maybe 7 days a year ok. Im 66. I want to die i dont want to die. What is it with me. When a teacher says good riddance to bad rubbish at 8 years old,and the first school pic shown the class how ugly you are,i was 6 years 2 months. This stuff happened for 3 years. Never had p.e. or games for 3 years,just me all on my own sst with much older kids learning hard sums at 6. On n on n on n on. So wot is it please. I hurt how people hate me. My sister broke my marriage up went with my husband after my 4th child,he was 3 month. That went on for year then says he wants a divorce,i misbehaved also. Not many marriages survive death of a child. Theres more,buf this is enough now. Thankyou readers, im a bore also. Do i have this disorder? I dont have an email account yet. This stuff is new to me. I will sort it.

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    • I have BPD (borderline personality disorder) which is different to bipolar but there are some similarities. I am very sorry for all that you’ve been through, my heart aches for you – both you now but also your younger self and all the trauma you have been through. I don’t really know what to say just that I would like to send you a lot of compassion right now… You sound very strong to have gone through that and still be kicking. I hope you can find some meaning and things to live for, and that you get support you need and the love and holding you deserve…

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