I have been okay. I have been stable and okay for a week. Overall it has been pretty neutral, and for me, neutrality is a rather miraculous thing.
Overall, I am trying to take these moments of okayness one second at a time and not overthink them, despite how unfamiliar and disconcerting it may feel.
But it is hard, because amidst the relative stability, I feel like I am lacking something. I feel like something is missing from my life. I feel like I can’t quite connect to it, or with myself, on a real and meaningful level. I feel like a spectator, watching, waiting, sitting bored at the sidelines.
I feel like maybe a part of me needs the pain in order to be able to connect? Like it’s the only way I know how to feel real and alive and full?
The ‘Borderline pain’ as I call it is such a catch 22: Can’t live with it, can’t live without it.