Today I had a 3 hour interview with a friend writing an article about BPD. It was pretty overwhelming at times and I think I shut down (dissociated) towards the end, but I also have to give myself some credit…
Things are not easy, not at all. Life is painful, and it still hurts. But reeling off aspects of my life and my treatment and BPD history to my friend made me realise how far I have come today. It sounds so cheesy – and I generally despise the cliché “It Gets Better” type jargon – but part of me right now actually can acknowledge that I have come a really long way.
Things are so different to how they were this time two years ago. This time two years ago I was in A&E getting stitches or recovering from overdoses between one and four times a week. I had dropped out of university, my friends and family were worried sick about me, I was abusing drugs and alcohol, struggling with an eating disorder, in and out of hospitals and other institutions, and told by my therapist and treatment team that they did not know what to do with me any more. I was crying myself to sleep every night hoping that I may not wake up the next day. I had so much pain inside of me and had no idea how to manage it.
Two years on, I still struggle, but today – at least in this moment – that struggle feels different. I am still hurting and the pain is still very much there, but there is another side to things as well. I haven’t cut or been in hospital in almost a year, I am off all medication, my eating disorder is stable as is my alcohol and substances intake. There are still days when I feel suicidal, and have urges, but I have not acted on these urges in some time. There are also still many tears, and a fuckload of sadness, but my tolerance has increased and there are far fewer crises. Furthermore, I am making progress in therapy, and soon to start doing trauma work which I hope will lead me to the next level of my healing.
I probably will not be proud of myself for too long, because it is not really something I let myself feel often! But at least right here, right now, I can say to myself what my therapist said to me and actually mean it for once: “A thousand gold stars. Well done you”.