Borderline and Alone

One of the most painful things about having BPD is the chronic, insatiable and infinite loneliness so many of us experience. Some days I feel so lonely that it physically aches, and I can feel claws of emotion inside of me causing me excruciating pain. The visceral sensations that materialise take over my entire body.

These are sensations one cannot put into words; I sometimes refer to it as “Borderline” pain, because it is so typical an experience for those with BPD. I have tried explaining it to others but they have found it hard to understand. Loneliness is one thing; Borderline loneliness is another.

I suppose it is a mixture of yearning and grief, sadness and shame, all rolled in to one. The grief aspect feels pertinent to me, but how can I explain that? I can’t. I haven’t even lost anything. I just never had it to begin with. I fear I will never feel like a whole person, and that it is too late to repair me now – the damage has been done. I am broken.

I feel like a lost puppy separated from its litter or a desperate child searching for her mother amongst a terrifying crowd. I feel like an empty floating lifeless vessel, or a newly born vampire – insatiably thirsty, panting and pacing in anticipation of her first meal. I feel like if I ever were to unleash the full strength of my neediness the world would not be able to support me. I am too much. The loneliness is too big. I am drowning in it.

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11 thoughts on “Borderline and Alone

  1. BorderlineBabbler, it sounds from other posts as if you have a family that loves and supports you. Does that ever make any difference to how you feel in terms of isolation and loneliness? As a mother, this is something that is hard to understand and deal with – that my total love and support for my child isn’t enough, or doesn’t offset some of the similar feelings she expresses. It’s something I wish I could take away by pointing out just how much her family love and are there for her (doesn’t work, I’ve tried it!). Yet sometimes she acknowledges it at a heartfelt level, so I think she knows it’s there but it doesn’t seem to take away any of the pain. How does it work for you in relation to your family?

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    • I feel similarly. I know they love me but it isn’t their love I crave. I can’t stand to hug or be close to them, and feel guilty because they try so hard but I just can’t accept it. I think it’s because it’s “too late” – my needs weren’t met when I was younger and now I’m dealing with the consequences. I just want my therapist to hold me and take my pain away – she is the only person I want when I feel like this. I know it’s not rational, but that’s what I mean about BPD pain – it isn’t a rational thing. It is impossible to explain. And I feel immense guilt to my family for being/ feeling this way.

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  2. I know this post is old, but I couldn’t help but leave you this comment – even among fellow borderline people, nobody has ever explained this feeling so accurately. I’m amazed (and saddened) that other people have experienced it too. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

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