I feel like I am in a constant battle between acting on my feelings of neediness versus acting (or not acting) based on my feelings of shame.
Both are two of the strongest most intensely painful feelings on my spectrum of feelings, and yet both pull me in ways that are totally opposite from one another.
The neediness compels me to reach out to the people I rely on the most, to rely on them for my every need, to regress to my childlike state – yearning to be comforted, soothed, held, loved. I act like a baby trying to get her baby needs met. They can never be met. It breeds my attachment pain. And deep deep shame.
The shame drives me to cut myself off from needing anyone at all, to block myself from reaching out even when I need support, to shy away from the world and not let people into mine. The shame makes me want to be treated negatively, to be hurt, to be used and mistreated. The shame breeds shame.
I feel shame for being so needy, or I feel needy and alone for disconnecting myself because of the shame – and the spiral perpetuates.
I think the neediness and shame paradox is one of my biggest struggles; it infiltrates into many aspects of my life and dictates much of what I do (and do not) do. It is a lonely place to be. Stuck in the middle of an endless tug of war, it is certainly a catch 22 – I just cannot win.