Family Feuds

Two people in my family are not on talking terms, since getting back from our holiday. The whole thing has been unsettling, and sadly tainted what would otherwise have been a loving and enjoyable vacation. 

Last night I couldn’t sleep; I couldn’t stop thinking about the current situation and what it represents and brings up in me. My thoughts and memories took me back to how things “used to be”. I remembered all the similarly painful moments I had banished from my memory, and how much this sort of instability affected me – and continues to do so.

I had actually forgotten how much it gets to me – how young and scared it makes me feel. How protective I feel towards certain people. How desperately I want to fix things. How much I crave signs of love even amidst their wars, to show me they’re still around. How I seek reassurance that this is temporary, and try to make that so. How I try and abstractly apologise to the both of them on the others’ behalf – as though somehow it must be my fault if things fail to work out between them. 

How I have to stop myself from feeling anything because there are too many feelings – ones that are not mine – in the air already. How scared I feel for them. Of them. How much I crave stability and security within the family. How sad I am that I don’t remember ever having that. 

How my fear of losing people – of rejection – takes so many different forms, and how helpless that makes me feel. How much I feel like all the pain in the world is somehow my own fault. How unsettled I feel inside yet how unable I am to express it, because I don’t have the right to a voice. How the only person in the world who I want to talk to about this is not around for me to talk to, and how lonely I feel without her.

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