Return of the Intrusive Thoughts

Over the last few days, I’ve been battling with the return of intrusive suicidal thoughts. Every time I leave the house they seem to get worse, which is leading me to isolate in bed too much. I had been doing pretty well, but something has shifted and I’ve been sinking during previous days. I’m due on which is always a vulnerability. (There are other reasons too but I’m finally calmer so will not going into them at this stage as I don’t want to rock the boat.)

I didn’t manage to get out of bed until 3:45pm. I pushed myself to get out and stick to my plans thinking that it may help and that it was the “effective” thing to do. I met with my friend as arranged but I felt so dissociated and listless – and then really guilty and ashamed about that on top.

Afterwards I was walking towards the station and my head was being bombarded with incessant self-destructive thoughts – chanting and coercing me to do things (that I will refrain from going into on here). I somehow found myself at A&E, which was nearby just by chance. I went outside to call my step-in therapist for crisis coaching. She didn’t answer the phone so I just sat on the floor waiting; chain-smoking and repeating helplessly to myself “they’re just thoughts, you do not have to act on them” over and over again.

The dissociation was heavy and so I have no idea how long I stayed there but luckily a close friend called and we made a plan of action. I ended up leaving and compiling a list of DBT skills with her to do both on the way back and at home. On the tube, my thoughts were not of a healthy nature and I had to do paced breathing and A-Z the whole time because I was on the verge of a panic attack. Equally, when I was driving back from the station, the thoughts got so loud and I was shaking and overheating so much that I had to pull over in order to calm myself down.

I’m home now and calmer after a few hours of skills. I’m literally just getting through the hours with obsessive colouring in, self soothe skills (candle, scents, teddies), watching series (that are supposedly uplifting), and hiding from the world in the safety of my bed.

Crisis averted, for now, but I seriously need my hormones to return to a baseline ASAP so that my mental state can go back to how it was this time last week. It terrifies me how suddenly the suicidality can come back like this.

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6 thoughts on “Return of the Intrusive Thoughts

  1. PMS sucks. I am definitely more vulnerable about a week before my period though in my case it’s more mood swings and just being bitchy to people, more prone to outbursts which is one of my target behaviors to work on.

    For me, something that can sometimes help with intense emotions is music. I’ll put my headphones on and play a favorite over and over. Granted, I probably play the music too loud but I already have hearing lost so oh well. It helps me especially if I am able to focus on the music beneath the song, the bass sounds and other sounds. Hard to describe but I try to focus on that, not necessarily the song itself. Though the songs are good too.

    The last week of June is usually difficult for me. A difficult and traumatic anniversary comes up on the 28th and really, just that whole last week into the Independence Day weekend can get a little rough. These days it’s more sadness than anything else but I dealt with a lot of my own suicidal thoughts due to survivor’s guilt and just how drastically my life changed from the event not to mention the experience of the event itself.

    Be loving and compassionate to yourself (hard, I know) and hang in there. Write as needed and know we’re here to listen. (((HUGS)))

    Liked by 1 person

    • One of the things my friend suggested was music but I dare not risk if because it has such a strong effect on me and makes me so emotional! I probably just need to find more uplifting songs haha but they’re not my nature go-to’s so I actually need to think about it properly and make a very specific playlist, thank you. I am so black and white even with music, either am obsessed or don’t listen at all and currently it’s the latter 😦

      I’m sorry you have this anniversary over your head at the moment, and that you have been through something so traumatic too. I understand the anniversary experience and how much can be brought up during these times. I hope you are able to self validate and take care of yourself, am sending love and compassion your way also! Really appreciate your words and understanding. Thanks again x

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  2. In moments like that it’s very important to have someone you can trust and who know how to help you. The worst scenario is being left by yourself – you can’t really predict what will happen, since you don’t think clear. I hope you’re better now 🙂 all the best, dear! xx

    Liked by 1 person

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