Over the last few days, I’ve been battling with the return of intrusive suicidal thoughts. Every time I leave the house they seem to get worse, which is leading me to isolate in bed too much. I had been doing pretty well, but something has shifted and I’ve been sinking during previous days. I’m due on which is always a vulnerability. (There are other reasons too but I’m finally calmer so will not going into them at this stage as I don’t want to rock the boat.)
I didn’t manage to get out of bed until 3:45pm. I pushed myself to get out and stick to my plans thinking that it may help and that it was the “effective” thing to do. I met with my friend as arranged but I felt so dissociated and listless – and then really guilty and ashamed about that on top.
Afterwards I was walking towards the station and my head was being bombarded with incessant self-destructive thoughts – chanting and coercing me to do things (that I will refrain from going into on here). I somehow found myself at A&E, which was nearby just by chance. I went outside to call my step-in therapist for crisis coaching. She didn’t answer the phone so I just sat on the floor waiting; chain-smoking and repeating helplessly to myself “they’re just thoughts, you do not have to act on them” over and over again.
The dissociation was heavy and so I have no idea how long I stayed there but luckily a close friend called and we made a plan of action. I ended up leaving and compiling a list of DBT skills with her to do both on the way back and at home. On the tube, my thoughts were not of a healthy nature and I had to do paced breathing and A-Z the whole time because I was on the verge of a panic attack. Equally, when I was driving back from the station, the thoughts got so loud and I was shaking and overheating so much that I had to pull over in order to calm myself down.
I’m home now and calmer after a few hours of skills. I’m literally just getting through the hours with obsessive colouring in, self soothe skills (candle, scents, teddies), watching series (that are supposedly uplifting), and hiding from the world in the safety of my bed.
Crisis averted, for now, but I seriously need my hormones to return to a baseline ASAP so that my mental state can go back to how it was this time last week. It terrifies me how suddenly the suicidality can come back like this.