“You have no real trauma in your life; you could get better in the click of two fingers if you really wanted to”
These were the words an ex-therapist said to me quite a few years ago. I have never forgotten the smug look of disdain she wore on her face that day, nor the distress it caused me, nor the invalidation of the other therapists at the treatment centre.
For someone who struggles to acknowledge many aspects of my past, and chronically invalidates it, what happened that day was the straw that finally broke the camel’s back. It dug me into the ground, it destroyed my trust and it ruined our relationship completely. It totally stunted my entire recovery process, and has continued to do so in ways even today. It has consistently gotten in the way of my current therapy as it has been a huge block to me feeling able to even consider doing trauma work.
As my current therapist and I near a new type of trauma therapy known as EMDR (eye-moment desensitisation reprocessing), the old therapist’s words are stuck whirling around in my head – taking me over like Death Eaters.
I have convinced myself that when we start EMDR, my therapist will ‘realise’ that there is ‘no material’ for us to even work with. In my imagination I envisage her throwing her arms into the air, and exclaiming and sighing with disbelief that “there really is nothing to process”. I am scared that she will finally seeing my past like that old therapist did – as insignificant, uneventful and petty – and that this really is the hard and fast truth.
I feel like such a fraud.