For days I’d just been pushing away and distracting. I had so many painful emotions I couldn’t deal with… they in turn turned into urges or thoughts about wanting to die and such… and then to cope with that, I distracted. So I never actually felt the pain of the emotions that had started the chain.
I spent the entire time that I wasn’t self-destructing, trying not to self-destruct – and I did so by distracting. On Monday that meant that I spent the entire day distracting. I didn’t give myself a single second to actually feel anything, I was so scared of the power of the emotions and the urges I was having but trying not to let myself have. Finally I tried to go to sleep around 11. I was therefore not distracting from myself any longer, and suddenly, it hit me like a tsunami.
It was as raw as anything I have ever felt. The biggest most painful amount of sadness took me over and I went from complete dissociation and not being able to cry to being unable to breathe through my tears. My breakdown was like a scene in a movie, it was so immense. The sadness was so massive that I literally was choked by it, gulping and flailing for air like a fish out of water.
I felt absolutely terrifingly connected to the sadness. I was so taken over by it and it hit me so hard, it felt like I was dying. I wonder if it was that that had been trapped within me the whole time. Maybe it was the sadness that had been beneath my efforts to so urgently distract from myself. And yet I hadn’t even realised it, until it erupted out of me, because it had been tucked so deep inside, barricaded from my consciousness by fear.
I think maybe that’s why when the tears finally subsided, and I woke up this morning (albeit emotionally hung-over, confused and disorientated), there was an element of relief and a shift within me.