I’m getting really upset because I’m trying so hard to help myself but my mental health difficulties keep getting in the way. I struggle with chronic pain and have recently had scans and tests which have highlighted a number of problems. Today I went to my first specialist physiotherapy appointment. I’m determined to reduce my pain without getting addicted to Tramadol again.
However my anxiety was high and I felt dissociated throughout, so even though I tried my absolute hardest, I can barely remember what the physiotherapist asked me to do. I asked her to write everything she said down for me as I anticipated this happening. But now I am looking at this piece of paper as though her instructions are in another language – and I really have no clue what I’m supposed to be doing at all.
I feel as though this isn’t going to work without someone (my mum) coming with me to my appointments. I need her for her brain because I can never recall what I’m supposed to be doing alone.
Also, the fact that I am so out of touch with my body in the ways the physiotherapist wants me to be means that I cannot physically remember the postures or positions either. My body just shrinks back to its default. (E.g. How am I supposed to breathe normally if I don’t even know what “normal breathing” entails? I naturally hold my breathe, and I don’t even realise I’m doing it.)
I hate having to ask my Mum to come to all these appointments with me as I am 22 and it’s humiliating. But otherwise it’s like I lose my brain and am unable to retain any information and the entire session gets wasted. I don’t want to waste any time nor resources by getting the exercises wrong and messing up. I’m making such a fool of myself looking in this fucking mirror trying to get these exercises right without the faintest idea of what I am trying to achieve.
I feel like crying because I’m trying so fucking hard with so many things but anxiety and dissociation keep getting in the way of me doing simple things to help myself (whether physically or mentally) get better. I feel utterly incapable of navigating life independently because there are just so many small things I am unable to do on my own.
So here I am desperately googling images of “physiotherapy exercises against wall” to try and jog my memory, whilst I’m sat in a contorted mess of physical pain with tears of emotional pain streaming down my face.
Trying to fix my faulty brain and body by relying on my faulty brain and body is the most fucking upsetting and ironic thing right now.