Intrusive Suicidal Thoughts… When I’m Not Suicidal

People experience suicidal thoughts in all different ways. One of the ways I experience them is in the form of intrusions. For me, intrusions related to suicide do not just happen when I am actually feeling like I want to die; they often are random and unrelated to my overall mood state. I can be in a relatively stable mindset when suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, I become bombarded with intrusions telling me to kill myself.

For me, it isn’t that I hear voices that are external to me; I don’t. I know they are my own thoughts, however, they don’t feel like my own as they take on a different quality to usual. Often it feels like they are thoughts which have been generated by an external locus and then implanted into my head. They are usually also second person thoughts, so “you” instead of “I”, or instruction words like “do X, do Y”.

This is immensely frustrating as it gets in the way of whatever I’m doing, especially if I am amongst people and all I can hear is my brain telling me I need to die. It is especially unsettling when I start having these thoughts when in a more positive frame of mind, because the contrast between how I feel emotionally compared with the mental experience of the distressing intrusions is so stark. It’s like… “WTF are you doing here, you’re not bloody welcome!?”, and then when they refuse to settle, I want to bash my head on a wall just to get rid of the internal noise.

It is almost easier for me when I am experiencing suicidal thoughts during the times I am actually feeling suicidal. At least then the thoughts make sense to me as they match my emotional experience. The more random intrusive ones, on the other hand, just send me into a spin. Sometimes they seem to be linked with dissociation and paranoia; but for the most part I remain dumbfounded by the ways my brain continues to fuck me over like this, even when things are supposedly feeling manageable.

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Intrusive Suicidal Thoughts… When I’m Not Suicidal

  1. I was literally thinking about how this happens to me too a few hours ago, and how fucking weird it is. Like, yes, I’ve felt suicidal before, but I haven’t felt anything like it in awhile. I’ve actually been quite content with things, and dying isn’t even on my radar these days. But then the thoughts come exactly like you say they do. Like I’ll be standing on the platform, waiting for the subway, and I’m totally normal standing there when something is like “You could just walk in front of it. You can do that, you know.” And I’m like wtf, I don’t want to walk in front of it because I don’t want to die! It’s almost like I’m not actively suicidal, but my mind is passively fantasizing about it all the time. I wouldn’t act on the thoughts, but I guess I do get passive thoughts of ways I could die. Like my mind just coming in to remind me that, hey, you could still do it, ya know. Even though you feel fine now. Ugh, I guess I can be glad they’re just passive?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah I just wish they weren’t so intrusive and debilitating :(. Thanks for posting and relating though I’m sorry you do! I’m worrying if this is part of my OCD but it’s a tricky one…. it doesn’t feel passive nor active it’s hard to explain because it feels like the thoughts aren’t my own, so whether I act on them or not is a separate thing. Usually when I’m passively suicidal it’s still my own thoughts based on where I’m at mentally. But with this it’s like thoughts are inserted into my brain. So frustrating! Take care honey ❤️️

      Like

  2. It was very surreal reading this. I’ve been experiencing this very thing tonight, and then this post came up in my feed (I’m a little behind on everyone’s posts). I thought I was going mad, but now I see I’m not the only one that has these moments.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I struggle with this on a regular basis. Sometimes I actually say the words out loud. I guess what I try and do is change the words before I say them. For example, “You are a fucking id–amazing person”.
    It doesn’t really help me feel better, but it softens the blow.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s