A Journal Entry about Dissociation

She was angry and unpleasant with me this morning and I really noticed the effect it had on me. I felt like I needed to leave the situation but I had to stay at the same time because it wasn’t worth rocking the boat – it never is. At these times it feels impossible for me to stay present in the situation, but I have to stay there physically; hence the dissociation – the disconnect between my physical self and the rest of me. 

I felt like I had been taken back in time; I wasn’t 22 any longer. I was small, but I made myself invisible – and somewhat invincible – so that I could let her anger wash over me. I went into this muted state of ‘non-existence’. It makes me feel like I can give people the free reign to act however they please towards me, and I can then just take their shit until any irrational or extreme state has passed and I can breathe again. 

I become the one who has to take the blame and apologise for causing the unrest, for provoking or misunderstanding, for not judging the situation or the person correctly. It is never about them – it’s all me. I sacrifice my own emotional state for the other person and it’s easy; it’s something I’ve always done. 

When I went into my room a short while later and saw myself in the mirror, I couldn’t look at myself with my pathetic doe-eyed stare. I felt a real sense of “There is something going on here, but I am also not here”. I knew there were feelings but I couldn’t feel them. My humanness had been stripped away and I was left with nothing but a troubled emptiness.

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18 thoughts on “A Journal Entry about Dissociation

  1. Thank you for writing this, it is helping me in my own journey. A close family member of mine is a suspected borderline and does exactly the same thing. The process of the outburst and the outcome are exactly the same and I often feel largely like you did. I didn’t know it was called disassociation, that feeling of not existing anymore… Thank you so much for putting this all down in words!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It is interesting that we both experience this; me as the one with BPD and you as the one close to someone with BPD. It highlights how BPD can manifest in many different ways, e.g. I am very much a “quiet borderline”. It also highlights the complexities of the interactions faced by people with BPD and those close to them!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. This is me all the way. It’s gotten to the point where somebody else will do something completely unrelated to me and I say sorry for it. I have a “baby voice” that I automatically drop back to if I think someone’s mad at me, because I feel like they can’t/won’t be so angry, or they’ll be more understanding if I’m cute again.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. A friend of mine described her dissociative symptoms very much like you did in your post. I too have experienced the depersonalization and derealization states of dissociation, but slightly differently.

    Like

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