Me and my blog

Female. 21. Londoner. Psychology and research student. Volunteer. Big sister. Dog-lover. Recovering Borderline & mental health advocate.

It’s been a long ride, to say the least. During my adolescent years I carried around with me a number of mental health diagnoses and labels. Amongst them were Depression, Cyclothymia, Body-Focused Repetitive Disorder, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge-Eating Disorder, Addiction, Self-Harm, C-PTSD, OCD… you name it!

I spent many months and years in both NHS and private hospitals, rehabs and other residential institutions for my various difficulties, and was exposed to pretty much every medication, therapy and treatment model out there. With each new approach I would improve for a time, but inevitably relapse after just a few months of being back in ‘reality’. I was the typical ‘revolving door patient’. Few professionals seemed to be able to help me in the way I needed to be helped for a sustained period of time, and I wasn’t very good at helping myself, either. I thought I was a hopeless case destined to a life of loneliness, emotional distress, fear, self-destruction and shame.

It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) at the age of 19, that I was finally able to look into specialised treatment options for a condition that is far too often so unfortunately misunderstood and mistreated. Although the diagnosis carries with it enough stigma to kill an entire army, for me it also carried a sense of relief and closure. Putting a name to my pain meant I could develop an understanding of the condition by trawling through every morsel of data out there. And developing an understanding helped reassure both myself and my family that perhaps there was still hope for me.

After days and weeks of researching and interviewing with treatment centres around the world, I was finally flown and admitted to a unit in America: a specialised and intensive DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) program for adolescent girls based in a hospital in Boston.

Although I had dipped my toes into the realm of DBT previously, this unit’s approach was unlike anything I had experienced before. The staff were fully trained in it, all therapy was based on it, we had daily classes in it: we lived, felt and breathed it! Whatever challenges came up for me both personally and inter-personally, behaviourally and emotionally, I was guaranteed that through DBT, there could be an effective solution.

It was a difficult, at times gruelling journey… and it was also the most invaluable few months of my life.

Since going through DBT treatment and learning to manage my life (for the most part) in a different way, my current therapist and I are starting the next phase of my recovery: trauma work. Whilst DBT helped save my life from the outside-in, through the trauma therapy known as EMDR (Eye-Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing), I am hopeful to begin the ultimate healing process – from the inside-out.

I have also recently found out that I most likely have a dissociative disorder alongside my BPD.

This blog is therefore dedicated to documenting my recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder, Complex PTSD and Depersonalisation Disorder through the means of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, EMDR and generally as I go about my life.

For more information on BPD please click onto the “What is BPD?” page of my Borderline Babbles blog. To learn more about DBT please refer to the “About DBT” section. You can contact me by clicking here.

32 thoughts on “Me and my blog

  1. I’ve been diagnosed recently and you put it into words better than I ever could. I’ve recently had CBT to help me deal with traumatic things in my past but still don’t know any tools or coping skills for dealing with the condition. Hoping that the NHS will be able to help but I’m not too hopeful; misdiagnoses and failed attempts at providing me care have resulted in years of being in and out of hospital. I think you write beautifully and I hope you keep it up. Peace xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much and I so relate to what you just shared – misdiagnoses and failed NHS attempts to help as well as a severe lack of funding and understanding of BPD… It’s very tough. If possible – DBT is the way to go. Otherwise MBT. But CBT I didn’t find so helpful as it doesn’t acknowledge emotional experiences and pain in the same way DBT does. Here if you ever want to talk. Are you based in London? X

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      • Yeah-I feel much of the poor treatment iv’e received is due to lack of funding. I still feel confused about the diagnoses; I’m relieved there’s an explanation for the way I am but I’m coming to realise after alot of research that it is very stigmatised and widely misunderstood. Close-I live on the South Coast only a few hours away. It’s really comforting to know that there are other people who know how it feels xx

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      • Yep the biggest comfort for me has been in finding like-minded people who understand the depth of BPD pain!
        The stigma and misunderstanding around the label is very unfortunate, and sadly the UK are much further behind the USA in the treatment of BPD. The reason I asked where you live is because in London there is a great affordable DBT Skills Group about to start. However I am not sure about outside of London. I really hope that you receive more effective support ASAP. My email is on my blog if you ever need to chat 🙂

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  2. Was interesting to read how it took you a long time to arrive at a diagnosis of BPD – I’ve had a similar experience, having been through rounds of recurrent depression all my life. I’d never heard of BPD until fairly recently and though at one stage doctors thought I might be bipolar – I had all the depression but sadly missed out on the true highs those guys experience – they didn’t seem to have any other options for me. It wasn’t until I started seeing a top private psychiatrist that I got close to a diagnosis and even that took two years – though that was partly my fault.

    I’m just about to commence DBT and I’m pretty excited about that, though I’m not sure the person I am seeing offers the group sessions so would be really interested to find out about the DBT skills group you mention as I live very close to London and head into town on a daily basis.

    Longer term I am also considering setting up some form of group or forum for those of us living with BPD in and around London so am always on the look out for support for the idea.

    Really enjoyed reading the blog and am looking forward to reading further updates.

    Cheers.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Great to hear this from you – thank you!
      Yep I think BPD is so unclear and can manifest very differently depending on a number of factors, it certainly took far too long to receive my diagnosis which is now so obvious to me and those around me!
      I used to attend a BPD support group in London which sadly has stopped running (on meetup.com) due to some complications – I think it’s a great idea that you potentially would like to set something up in the future.
      It you have any interest in joining the DBT skills group I’m enrolled in (based in London, pretty central), let me know via email and I’ll hook you up 😉
      It’s helpful not just for the content but also generalising what we learn there, relating to like-minded people and for the consistency and structure on a weekly basis.
      I wish you all the best both in starting DBT and generally whatever is going on for you in your life. Take care!

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  3. Borderline Personality Disorder is the most difficult to understand and diagnose mental illnesses. As a consequence there is little awareness of its existence in the general public. If there were greater awareness, more resources would be brought to the table to help these people. I believe the biggest problem is its name. “Borderline” means nothing in helping us understand the condition. I have proposed that we change the name to Faultfinding Personality Disorder based on the most important diagnostic criterion – chronic finding of fault with themselves and others due to their black-and-white thinking which leads to disturbed interpersonal relationships. To back this up I wrote the book “Faultfinders: The impact of borderline personality disorder.” I explained the condition using examples of numerous famous people to make the symptoms memorable. I would be interested to hear what others think about a possible name change.

    Liked by 1 person

    • In the UK we often call it Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. Doesn’t sound much fun but is pretty accurate…
      The name you propose is interesting and I would have to do more research and reading to give an educated opinion. To be honest, I don’t think any name will justify to pain we experience and what we deal with on a day to day basis… Thanks for your post and thanks for helping educate the world! X

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  4. Just stumbled across your blog and wanted to say hi – I’m a 20-year old college student also battling (and blogging about) BPD and depression, and I’m also currently in DBT. Your posts are so relatable, and I can’t wait to look through more! 🙂

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  5. I go to college in Minnesota! But I’m really from all over. I don’t have anywhere that I consider to be home. My dad is a service member and we moved 10 or 11 times while I was growing up so I’ve lived in many different states, and also in Italy for a few years. Minnesota is home more than anywhere else now and I’m trying to establish residency here. 🙂 I’m sad to say I’ve never been to London or the UK at all though 😦

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  6. i go to college in florida, and i haven’t been to the UK ever, but i have some friends there! i haven’t been officially diagnosed with bpd yet (have been diagnosed w/ “borderline traits”- i would downplay a lot of things to that therapist) but i’m 900% sure i do, and i relate to your blog a lot, and the skills you post really help me. a lot of the things you write sound like i could have written them, too. you are really helpful, thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hi I am a mental health nurse with 20 plus years experience. I am trying to find the best ways to work with BDP and discovered your page. I like what i see and am sharing with my colleagues and have signed up for email alerts. Thank you and keep up the good work. SG

    Liked by 1 person

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